Seeing Projection of How I Used to See Other's View of me

          I am now more aware of my learned behaviors around others. As someone at the adoption group meeting said that adoptees are always in their head watching as if they are on the outside, and never involve themselves because they want to make sure the other person likes them. So I noticed today, at the public library meeting people and other kids for my baby to interact with, that before, I always second guessed myself and tripped to make sure I was coming across as normal and kind because I felt so worried about rejection. I didn't expect anyone, not even a stranger who didn't know me, to care at all about me and I thought I was bad and too needy inside. This is literally how all the other adoptees that I met think, and how the adoption books talk about us. I was able to change this attitude by telling myself it was hogwash and that I deserved respect and care after all because I am a mother and do my best. Actually, because I am human. It made me feel less needy and able to show true interest in the other person instead of not being able to see them.

        Speaking of projection, I realized that I have such a hard time accepting that my daughter is upset because I take it to mean she doesn't love me. I project my mother on her, and how I feel when my mother doesn't care about me. It seems ridiculous to think of your child as if they are your mom, but it is what I do subconsciously because my system is used to picking up rejection and anger more easily than others because of what I've been through. When I saw that, I was able to correct myself and see that she was just a baby and can not decide she does not like me and I am a bad person. When I see myself more clearly and that I am worthy of being human I do not let the hurt from others feelings of me as bad affect me as personally as I used to.