The Truth of Who We Are Revealed

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       Wow what a eye-opening conversation I had with my husband. When we talk about our true feelings, things make more sense. I explained to him my repressed feelings from him telling me I was much better than him at mothering our child, and he told me where his feelings behind saying that came from.

          I said heatedly that he made it sound like I was better than him and it gave him the right to feel bad about himself and put me on a pedestal. Not really seeing me. He said he was just saying the truth, that he's a more nervous person than me. I disagreed, and retorted that we were both equally nervous just it seemed I wasn't because I pretend that I'm calm when inside I am a mess. It all comes from our childhoods, I noticed with amazement. I grew up having to fake that I was okay all the time because of adoption and having to be the savior to my whole family, making everyone feel good. That's why I am triggered to act that role and fall in it when I see my husband needing me in any way. I pick up on it all the time, am very sensitive to it's slightest cue. It makes sense because I am wired for it. My husband was always nervous because his parents were dysfunctional, and his mother a huge martyr that did not take help from anyone and when anyone did help she just screamed at them, while his father was more entitled and expected the mother to cater to him, and didn't bother helping her. They all sat around while his mother did all the work, and it caused him to be wary of helping me ever. It also causes him to take me for granted that I cook, which angers me. He also is not used to complimenting, because his family did not mean anything genuinely when they complimented one another, and his family took their mother for granted. When the fights ended, there was no sincere apologies and they just went on eating as if nothing happened. 

         We figured out that my husband is a lot more repressed than me in knowing what he wants, and he stifles himself due to his family not accepting themselves. They never knew that they had a choice in what do to in life. Therefore he feels stuck in his own route. I knew myself a bit more because I opened up to my feelings of needing love. This is all a new chapter for me, because we are going to places we never did before- seeing how our repressed feelings control our actions at times. How I was not able to express my anger towards him today because I was always operating under not being allowed to express my anger towards my family when I felt like I had to be the "perfect" one for everyone else. There are so many layers upon layers of where our reactions stem from- all the unprocessed traumas we went through. I am excited to uncover the truth. When we express it, it no longer hurts us and we are not ashamed. It feels good. Like I explained to my husband, "It is not your fault that you are scared to tell me how you see me- it's because your brain is programmed to stay away from doing that because in your house it meant danger!" Because he noticed that I was upset when I came home, but could not ask me about why because he was nervous. We both have so many triggers it is crazy. I see him as weak and pandering, and it annoys me because I feel like doesn't really listen to me. Also when he doesn't compliment me, I feel like a doormat for him and get triggered. Behind both is the feeling unseen by my parents, and tremendous anger that seems to have no end. 

          His parents never even saw their hidden repressed feelings, so they acted on it like it was not even there. It caused damage to him and not let him meet any of his needs without confusion. He likes me because I am more confident and not as repressed in my emotions. I had a feeling this was so. I see now how we both have long ways to go in accepting our needs. The more we see our needs, the less we will expect others to see them. We will ask for others to fulfill them without anger and force, boundary-breaking.

        I didn't like when he called me perfect because it made me feel misunderstood for how unsure of myself as a mother I always feel. It made me think I was perfect, so I could not see my blind spots.
he can't see me because of his inability to see his own insecurities.I also felt like I had to be a savior to him, and it angered me because I am unable to, and I always felt forced into that before. 

          

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