Time With Old Friend, Seeing Myself Through a Distorted Mirror

        I see how my thoughts truly reflect in my outside world. I was a bit jumbled and confused about my identity because of a few things. I felt put down because I was expecting myself to live up to outside invisible expectations of me, good and bad. Such as taking in Ollie's validation of my mother being borderline, and understanding why this made me turn out so insecure. It was a downer because I could not express to myself exactly why she was borderline and I felt I had no concrete proof of it. Another thing was how I was so rejected by Abby Miller whom I reached out and connected with, and she told me I was not an old soul for telling her about religion in hopes that she would see it's truth. It made me feel abandoned again when she blocked me. I felt like a fraud, and that maybe I was not worthy of love and validation after all.

       I had reached out to my former best friend who had stopped talking to me in hopes of companionship. As my husband said, it may fill something for me to have more female friendships because I cannot expect all my needs to be met by him solely. In the back of my mind I knew she was not there yet, and that I was more advanced than her in knowing truth, because of our quick base-touch in the summer where she appeared very needy and desperate to me. I remembered that Abby advised me that she may be part of my karmic soul path because of how deeply we connected, and that was why the cut off felt so traumatic. So when I met her today, I was able to see that we longed for each other to validate the other. She told me after a few minutes that I regulated myself so much now, and that she was so proud. I felt a bit of a pulling from her in my energy, and that she was not as self-regulated and needed help. I explained a lot to her about needing to protect my energy, and validate ourselves so that we don't make others deal with our emotions for us. She agreed and said it was called "putting it out" instead. I did not like how she seemed to pity me too much when I told her how my mother did not validate and I had to cut her out of my life. I told this to her and she quickly corrected herself by saying she was just agreeing with me.

        I see that it's true that you can only be as healthy as the people you are around. I felt myself slipping back to explain my learnings to her, and though she appreciated and ate it up, I felt emptied a bit. Like she couldn't help me. She explained that in the past she relied on me too much so could not say anything she didn't like that I did for fear that I would reject her. I told her I felt like she looked down on me in certain ways and it had hurt me. She wanted me to forgive her, but I said time would tell if her view of me changed.

       I do not like when people seem to look at me as if I am too great in any way. I feel like it does not validate me as I am. 

        I told her about how people who are unaware of their feelings seek to be mirrored constantly, and cannot tolerate those feelings in others. She was fascinated, and asked for examples. She was looking at my daughter for smiles and attention without really seeing her, and I explained about aware parenting and how I try to notice my toddler's feelings to mirror her and when I am in a bad mood I cannot see her pain or upset mood so I need to deal with my own. I am not sure if my friend ever feels secure and happy inside.

         I told her about facing my adoption trauma issues, and how it helped me accept my insecurities seeing how other adoptees felt the same ones. I no longer freeze up in public and feel out of place. She exclaimed that that was great for me, and again I felt idealized. I saw how she seemed so insecure and small in stores talking with the cashier, timidly and codependent. 

        What was nice in the meeting was coming to the realization that we were both  more spiritual than most around us, and it validated that we were both deep. Even if we weren't so "religious" on the outside. We both have old souls that yearn for truth, and she told me that listening to me was the first time in so long that she felt seen and understood. We were both crazy about the same widely controversial religious teacher, and hung on to his every word. We understand that life is not about looking religious, it is about wanting truth. 

          I saw that speaking my truth out made me stronger, and also more strong my values to others. 

         We both agreed that time to ourselves made us develop more. I saw her insecurities off-bat, and did not feel so validated for my own struggles. My intuition screams this is not good, it is a distraction. I did not feel good about myself with her. I feel good about me alone, and for that I am lucky because I see that it is not so common. When we parted ways, she said to me that she hopes we will meet again and that she is sorry that she seemed down, it was because she had barely slept and put her energy into someone she felt she had to because they had given a lot to her. I did not say anything, and we parted awkwardly. I guess it is not common knowledge about the need to protect one's energy.