Understanding Your Anger

      Written yesterday.

          I had a really hard morning as the pstd symptoms hit hard. I had to put my daughter to sleep but was irritated because it meant not enjoying a lunch meetup with my husband, which I was pumped about since I opened my eyes this morning. The night before was rough because I was stressed about her falling asleep next to me, and we were so exhausted we all went to bed a bit after 11. I woke up at 3, 6, and then nursed her 3 times every hour until I woke up for good at 9. She couldn't stay in a deep sleep for long and was wide awake against her sleepy body's will at 9:30.

       I had to make due with what I had so decided to meet my husband at 1:15 and we'd go out somewhere for fun with homemade lunch. But my daughter was resistant to any attempts to get her dressed or put her back to nap, and I ate my breakfast miserably trying to appear normal. I was disappointed again at her disinterest in breakfast, and I ate a lot to cover my mood. Then I tried getting her to cry but she pushed away and I had no strength to read to her so I decided to make lunch. I made one sandwich and saw that she was way to tired to go out so I sadly texted my husband that we weren't coming. He understood. I gloomily ate some chips, followed by a fruit. Then I decided to call my birth parents thinking it would be nice. My birth mom deflected my mood, barely saying much and seeming uninterested, and my dad was overly happy as usual so I felt unheard. I ate a fruit and baked health muffins and had 2. I made a video talking about my feelings, and saw how I was letting myself go in the pain I was in. My daughter jumped on me and I hugged her tightly and we shared smiles. I wanted to impart to her how much I cared and make sure she didn't feel neglected. 

         I watched a video by Inner Integrity about how to forgive or not forgive those who wronged you, and it was very helpful. It said that spiritual bypassing is what people do when they do not want to face the painful feelings, and so they pretend they forgive the abuser behind the mask of "being compassionate." But really they do not forgive, and still have hurt feelings and harbor resentment. It also enables the abusers to continue overstepping their boundaries by hurting them more, and layer upon layer of abuse builds up. I do this when I claim to not have anger or resentment towards my mother and father, sisters and brother, but I have lots of it. I feel numb already that I do not even care about them. She said it is healthy to admit your feelings and even set a boundary from people you do not forgive, and be able to admit that you do not have affection for them even if they are family. This is what I need to do. Otherwise I gas light myself by not letting my true feelings out. Let the feelings flow, as a kid's video I listened to with my daughter spoke about- anger, sadness, and hurt are all feelings we can have that need to be let out. I let out that anger at my daughter when I have to do things for her, and I get frustrated. Time passes though, and you don't stay angry forever, maybe an hour later the situation gets better I have to keep reminding myself. I am like a child too sometimes, not understanding the concept of time.

            My entire day was stressful, and I think it was because I did not let myself see my pain of not being heard, and then I didn't stay true to myself when talking to my birth parents. I was pandering to them, and not saying how how I feel at all.