Us Parents Need to Let out Our Angry Feelings at Our Kids

          When my daughter just would not fall asleep, I had an emotional breakdown. I was trying so hard to be good and perfect, that it all fell apart. I tried lying down with her because I was too tired from the night before, but that didn't work. I wanted to scream. My husband told me, remember that the abandonment is not happening now, it is over, as he read in Joe Soll's adoptee book. I tried, but the feelings were too strong and I was angry because I was severely lacking sleep and was repressing my needs for her. She wouldn't even go to my husband, and shrieked for me. This went on all afternoon. I was tense and irritable, and angry that I had no time to eat for myself dinner because I had to put her to sleep again. I read a book for a while, but she was still there needing sleep. I did not want to go out because I was too tired. I read in The Aware Baby by Aletha Solter that toddlers go through a stage where they need to feel autonomous, so they throw tantrums, and this is what she did a lot so it was relieving to see that it was not my fault that she was so angry at times when she doesn't get her way. They have to let the stress out, and can sense when a parent is present for them and allows their emotions to be. I think she senses that I disassociate a lot when she is crying and I am tense too.

           Anyway, later on I got so angry that I went into a separate room for myself to calm down. I felt so alone. I was repressing my anger and fighting with myself to stop. She was screeching and looking for me, throwing things everywhere. My husband could not control her. I heard him mutter angrily that she dropped a huge thing. I felt guilt and shame. Finally, I opened the door and she rushed in crying. I held her limply, still upset. I read in an article that it is important for parents to feel hate to wards their kids because they need to be open about their emotions, otherwise the kid will feel the hatred and not understand why and internalize it. Also, the parent will teach that those feelings cannot be felt and the kid will learn to repress them, too. The key is the let the anger be there, and then be able to hold a container for the child to express their own anger. They can sense it, when we are really handling their feeling, and letting it be, or disassociating and having a desire to repress it. As I went to put her to sleep, I felt a rush of affection for her like I haven't felt in a long time. I recognized that I felt her pain and felt good that she was mine and needed me, and I was finally there for her. It is sad that I had to go through this painful time in order to experience those feelings, but i knew I was numb all day and needed to get my anger out. I should have let them out much earlier, but I did not let myself because of the way I was used to repressing myself.