When Babies Cry it is not that they are overly Burdened

          I did my own thing today, and it had great results. I got up, even though my daughter was screechy and only slept 9.5 hours with breaks all morning to nurse, at 9. I played and did my own thing and was happy to notice that she also was focused on playing with the pampers and her sweater on the bed. I put on a YouTube video by Ollie Mathews and enjoyed his sharp wit and intuition, showing the woman how her borderline ex husband was gay all along, and how not to take the haters seriously at all. When you get free from narc abuse they inevitably appear and how you treat them will show how weak you are with your own past narcissists who try to gas light you back in their lives. They always smear you when they lose you, and when the mask comes off. I have seen this again and again. They pamper you with fake attention as long as you are meeting their supply needs, and the minute you have your own opinion they become cruel, hateful little monsters. It just reflects how they feel about themselves inside.

          Anyway, we went out, her in a cute snowsuit, and walked down the street with no intentional destination. We met a homeless guy who knows me since I was a kid, and he told me that I should get a job and make money so I can feel accomplished. I thanked him but said I'm good with my daughter now. He told me he is on disability because he had a breakdown from stress, and he had hallucinations. I told him about my birth mother having schizophrenia, and he said that's what he had. We chatted until he mentioned he would marry me, and then I realized it was too much so I left. He must have been about 60. But he was nice. We went to a store that sold beautiful scarves and hair pins, and I wanted to buy some for an upcoming wedding, to look good even though I covered my hair. Make a goos impression on the other women so maybe they'd want to follow. Than, I went to another store and saw there was a 50% sale on dresses, and a pushy woman who worked there practically forced me to the rack when I asked where the wedding dresses were. I laughed awkwardly, as she pushed my daughter's wagon-car to the side, and I told her she was very strong-spoken, to which she said heatedly, "I take it as a compliment." But she sounded a bit too brash, so I told her it is not an insult, please don't take it wrong. I did feel annoyed by her pushiness, and told her I had to think, about the clothes she was showing me. She jumped back and said yes yes I know but you should take advantage of this sale half off. I ignored her. I took some clothes and tried them on. I asked her about one top, and she shoved me to the rack and threw a bunch of others at me. I laughed and said, "You are really something." She beamed and said "I know I was born in March," meaning she was a Pisces. I nodded awkwardly, and she told me how people came in every day just to say hi to her because they loved her. I was silent. I realized she was narcissistic and did not want to pander to her because I felt she was off. This was different than how I used to react, very unhealthy and trying to please. She noticed it, and did not try to befriend me. Thank G-d. My daughter cried hard after a half hour or so, and I was proud of letting her do so without feeling pressured to shush her. I understood that she was bored and tired. I realized that mothers who are scared of their child's tears and try to stop it are locked in their own pain and think crying is endless and so it scares them. They project their own bottomless pain onto their child, not realizing that the kid does not have their experiences and is fresh and can heal after crying a bit. So I do that, and let her be, knowing I love her and that primary love is always with her so she feels cared for. Love is truly the main motivator in life. It was so lovely and comforting to see, and I felt no pressure from external needs to make me happy. I had it all already. She got annoyed when the clothes fell on the floor when I tried them on, and I apologized normally. She was visibly annoyed when I said I could not take all 4 dresses, but she said, "It's not for me it's for you." I smelled her lies and smooth tongue. I stuck to my gun and took two that I liked best. She was relieved because  happened to be the most expensive, so I was not that useless to her after all. I inwardly hit myself for not realizing that the second one was expensive, but I liked it better so I didn't say anything. I felt good that I had stable boundaries, and was proud of my behavior. I was not embarrassed of myself the way I used to, I grew up. 

        I walked home on a cloud, and thought of how happy the new dress made me, because it felt like a gift from G-d that I can have what I need. It was a tool for my working towards self-acceptance. I look good, and I appreciate my appearance as self-respecting. With boundaries. I am my husband's, and I don't want other's noticing my figure. I just want to look pleasant and engaging, not too drabby.

          Got home, ate a healthy lunch of poached egg, cheese, bread and veggies, and put her to sleep calmly. She felt confident and connected, and I thought of how awed I felt to be able to give that to her. When I give to myself, it is not hard. She listens and is herself, playing with her clothes, taking off the shoulder straps, pushing away when I hand her food except yogurt which she spoons, and I don't need to control her.