When Talking To Fellow Human Beings

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                      I used to feel so crazy every time I spoke to someone. That was because I was so beaten down and learned to doubt myself always. I learned that I had to cater to everyone's needs in order to be a person. I could not ever feel worthy of being heard otherwise. It was embarrassing and exposing every time I spoke to any friend or neighbor or human, I felt who I was inside had to be covered and say "the right thing" and not "mess up" by showing my insecurities. Now, I feel equally exposed when I am myself, but I am no longer ashamed about it so it makes every conversation an intimate dance where I sometimes have to censor myself just because I know that not every one I talk to is understanding and sensitive to my low-self-esteem. When that awkward, overly caring feeling comes out, and an awkward pause because my mind is a million miles away due to the way an intonation made me feel. Or my triggers of feeling guilty for talking too much, or trying to figure out what the other person wants. It is a new world, but I can't get enough of it. Healthiness is awesome to be able to touch.

              Having more self-respect makes living feel like I have a gps, and know which direction I am going in. Know what I need from others, know what I feel about others. Trusting my intuition about everyone, just to listen to myself. As long as I got my own back, I can be happy and don't need others to fulfill me. I can also be happy and not ignore my daughter's needs, and I only hope I can teach her healthy self-esteem too by showing her how I have my own. This is no longer an act, a staged performance. It's real life.

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