A Soul's Calling

When I was a child I was said to be very cheerful and cooperative, with an unusually happy disposition. I still have that with me, to what extent exactly I am not sure. It seems I was born for taking charge of a group of toddlers, I have warm feelings for them and they gravitate to me, ready to do my bidding. They feel my genuine care, so rarely felt with other grownups that command their attention. I am always shocked at how playgroup teachers are so unfeeling and overpraise the children for every thing they do, as if they do not relate to the child at his/her level. I experienced it as a toddler, too and felt that all grownups were fake and untrustworthy. All children want is truth and they can smell it from a mile away.

I find myself getting excited about the prospect of being a teacher on my own, and making children feel understood and developing a relationship with them. It will not be a typical, efficiently run group with set schedules for every activity, and more spontaneous and relaxing. I do not know how I will have the patience every day without hurting a child's feelings, but time will tell. I do know that I am different than the other teachers who work primarily for a paycheck. I am excited about putting my all into something. I was not ashamed when a child came up to me and said, "You have a funny hat." In the past I would have been struck self-conscious by that, but now I just laughed and said yes okay. I feel confident about who I am and my choice of attire. The kids can feel my confidence and respect it. I could tell some where scarred from the past caretakers they had, because they were sullen and stoic when I spoke to them. One even pulled away and was upset at me when I was being friendly. There will be a lot of work to do. But I do wonder if my personality was meant for this job and it is my calling.

It reminds me of Randall from the show This is Us. He is extremely into helping others from his birth father's building who are living in poverty and neglect, and helping foster children feel welcome and cared for. This stems from his own childhood of "feeling split in half" as an adoptee not knowing his origins, despite having a normal, white-and-privileged adoptive family. I relate, because I also grew up feeling different but not having it acknowledged growing up. I also felt out of sorts and like I didn't belong in my adoptive family. This engendered my desire to help others who have that pain inside. Because I did my own work and found a bit of my lost self in the adoptee-crises, my soul yearns to resolve this pain in others. Maybe it is the only thing I will find satisfying in life, because all other work seems futile to me. How much can I accomplish in an ordinary job? I feel my soul is calling for love and acceptance for all others who face the pain I did. And still do, because I feel I still do not belong with ordinary, unassuming people. I have experienced more than them and it leads me to live differently, with a need for more purpose.