Against All Odds
Its been a long journey of trying to make it in life, ever since I can remember, to learning that my entire belief dichotomy was false and I did not have to work so hard to be happy, learning that my love was right here all along. I could love myself, it was warranted. With that came loads of relief, but still enormous doubt. My foundation was rock hard and already cemented, and chipping away at it would take work.
I still don't fully have faith in my lovableness. Days of confusion and doubt eat at me, trying to take over. That is why I protect myself from the faces of my past- my entire family. Even my birth and adoptive brother proves to be a hindrance for me. As much as my heart aches and I question my motives, I have to refrain from running to be there with and for him. All the past anger and humiliation bubbles up, and I start to doubt my worthiness of a life of my own once again. Same with my adoptive mother. She triggers me in ways like no one else, only visible in my veins, so I have no backup to help me sort through the staggering self-rejection. It stems directly from her subjective, omnipotent world view that cuts out any validity of\my emotions and faith, making me feel see-through and wallpaper-like instantly. I hear my stuttering words like a fool, and wonder who that person that is portraying me is. Does she seriously believe she stands a chance in my mother's harsh world, where everyone is dog-eats-dog mentality? And then there is my infamous sister, the envy of all the block and neighborhood, where she keeps her vulnerability deep-down buried in a chest with the lock long-thrown away and forgotten, who's smiling face in all the pictures scream dishonesty and confusion for a girl like me to exist in this world. My world where uncertainty and spontaneity colors each and every day, if not waking hour. Where the floor only gets swept and mopped with random privilege, and the feelings of my child is taken into account at every action I do. Self-doubt creeping up every time I chose my own needs over hers, resulting in misery and feeling deflated, no matter how much I desired to have my way. And she sees life with children as supposed to be everything but sacrificial, that kids must always be doing what she expects of them promptly, and not doing so deserves her angriest of punishment.
No, I cannot live in their world, I will get roasted alive if I stay for a day. So I pick loneliness, and barely find any soul that yearns for the same oneness as I. I sometimes grasp at straws, for validation of my work, such as when I opened up to my husband's widowed, overweight aunt, who insisted that I sit by her at the dinner, and I smelled something off when she complained to me about her grown- children's bothersome nagging for attention, and how wary she was every day. I felt it was too much information to lay on me when I barely know her. I found myself staring at her detached, and felt extremely conflicted by how to respond. She didn't seem to notice, but stopped talking about it, I noted relieved. I candidly told her about the importance of knowing your emotions and keeping boundaries with your kids. I realized the importance for us to not expect others to carry our emotions for us because we cannot see it, as I felt she was doing to me. I made sure not to spill out my neediness for validation, offering her some of my struggles lightly and with a smile. I do not think I made it obvious that I was drowning daily, and she told me I am doing the right thing by staying home with my daughter and focusing on my feelings so I could be there for her. My mother-in-law, with her daughters in tow, barely spoke to me, and I felt relieved. The younger daughter obviously held anger towards me, because she did not acknowledge my presence and had a snarky look on her face when I offered a polite greeting. I told my annoyed inside to calm down, it was not my fault I could not please everyone and I had to look out for myself primarily. It was her problem that she could not accept my desire to be out of touch with them for now, as I had explained numerously that I was doing it for myself mainly. She did not want to see how her family was insensitive and tended towards enmeshment and overstepping boundaries, that was on her and not my place to encourage.
Here I stand trying to change a belief system, getting knocked down from all sides. I really do not understand my purpose in all this, and the full extent to which I am fighting. Life seems incredibly impossible at times, and I reap reward and unconditional happiness at others. This keeps me trudging. I hope one day I will be able to truly see that I am right all along, and have support from other people. I guess the magnitude of the challenge makes it all the more satisfactory, and I feel more accomplished. This is life, I am learning, and we get to make it how we want it. I am learning that I have a chance at affecting the world, that my actions have importance. Before this I was dead inside, feeling myself floating with the tide along everyone else. I know the misery, I do not want to go back. I see the importance in love and connected-ness to your child, and how so many others lose this. It makes me feel alive, in ways I always yearned for. I guess finding what I was missing all along made me determined to keep it, and not take it for granted like others do. This is all we have in life, I see clearly. I will keep trying to sustain it.
It takes work and renewed proof daily that it is there. It is a struggle to keep. The minute I think I got it, it slips away. But that is the point of a relationship- you don't get to call it yours unless you work at it. I hope I am working well, I do not always see. I guess the things that are real are intangible, and in order to have it you must know it with your inner feelings and spirit, which is the point of it's concealment. Just like we close our eyes at our most intimate, true moments- when we kiss our loved ones, when we feel shame, and when we are scared, etc. Of course, there is the ultimate relationship- that of with G-d, that we cannot see but we must learn to feel. That is the whole point of our journey in this world- to find Him and have that relationship despite all odds against it.
I still don't fully have faith in my lovableness. Days of confusion and doubt eat at me, trying to take over. That is why I protect myself from the faces of my past- my entire family. Even my birth and adoptive brother proves to be a hindrance for me. As much as my heart aches and I question my motives, I have to refrain from running to be there with and for him. All the past anger and humiliation bubbles up, and I start to doubt my worthiness of a life of my own once again. Same with my adoptive mother. She triggers me in ways like no one else, only visible in my veins, so I have no backup to help me sort through the staggering self-rejection. It stems directly from her subjective, omnipotent world view that cuts out any validity of\my emotions and faith, making me feel see-through and wallpaper-like instantly. I hear my stuttering words like a fool, and wonder who that person that is portraying me is. Does she seriously believe she stands a chance in my mother's harsh world, where everyone is dog-eats-dog mentality? And then there is my infamous sister, the envy of all the block and neighborhood, where she keeps her vulnerability deep-down buried in a chest with the lock long-thrown away and forgotten, who's smiling face in all the pictures scream dishonesty and confusion for a girl like me to exist in this world. My world where uncertainty and spontaneity colors each and every day, if not waking hour. Where the floor only gets swept and mopped with random privilege, and the feelings of my child is taken into account at every action I do. Self-doubt creeping up every time I chose my own needs over hers, resulting in misery and feeling deflated, no matter how much I desired to have my way. And she sees life with children as supposed to be everything but sacrificial, that kids must always be doing what she expects of them promptly, and not doing so deserves her angriest of punishment.
No, I cannot live in their world, I will get roasted alive if I stay for a day. So I pick loneliness, and barely find any soul that yearns for the same oneness as I. I sometimes grasp at straws, for validation of my work, such as when I opened up to my husband's widowed, overweight aunt, who insisted that I sit by her at the dinner, and I smelled something off when she complained to me about her grown- children's bothersome nagging for attention, and how wary she was every day. I felt it was too much information to lay on me when I barely know her. I found myself staring at her detached, and felt extremely conflicted by how to respond. She didn't seem to notice, but stopped talking about it, I noted relieved. I candidly told her about the importance of knowing your emotions and keeping boundaries with your kids. I realized the importance for us to not expect others to carry our emotions for us because we cannot see it, as I felt she was doing to me. I made sure not to spill out my neediness for validation, offering her some of my struggles lightly and with a smile. I do not think I made it obvious that I was drowning daily, and she told me I am doing the right thing by staying home with my daughter and focusing on my feelings so I could be there for her. My mother-in-law, with her daughters in tow, barely spoke to me, and I felt relieved. The younger daughter obviously held anger towards me, because she did not acknowledge my presence and had a snarky look on her face when I offered a polite greeting. I told my annoyed inside to calm down, it was not my fault I could not please everyone and I had to look out for myself primarily. It was her problem that she could not accept my desire to be out of touch with them for now, as I had explained numerously that I was doing it for myself mainly. She did not want to see how her family was insensitive and tended towards enmeshment and overstepping boundaries, that was on her and not my place to encourage.
Here I stand trying to change a belief system, getting knocked down from all sides. I really do not understand my purpose in all this, and the full extent to which I am fighting. Life seems incredibly impossible at times, and I reap reward and unconditional happiness at others. This keeps me trudging. I hope one day I will be able to truly see that I am right all along, and have support from other people. I guess the magnitude of the challenge makes it all the more satisfactory, and I feel more accomplished. This is life, I am learning, and we get to make it how we want it. I am learning that I have a chance at affecting the world, that my actions have importance. Before this I was dead inside, feeling myself floating with the tide along everyone else. I know the misery, I do not want to go back. I see the importance in love and connected-ness to your child, and how so many others lose this. It makes me feel alive, in ways I always yearned for. I guess finding what I was missing all along made me determined to keep it, and not take it for granted like others do. This is all we have in life, I see clearly. I will keep trying to sustain it.
It takes work and renewed proof daily that it is there. It is a struggle to keep. The minute I think I got it, it slips away. But that is the point of a relationship- you don't get to call it yours unless you work at it. I hope I am working well, I do not always see. I guess the things that are real are intangible, and in order to have it you must know it with your inner feelings and spirit, which is the point of it's concealment. Just like we close our eyes at our most intimate, true moments- when we kiss our loved ones, when we feel shame, and when we are scared, etc. Of course, there is the ultimate relationship- that of with G-d, that we cannot see but we must learn to feel. That is the whole point of our journey in this world- to find Him and have that relationship despite all odds against it.
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