Confusion

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I woke up troubled and shaky in life. I feel unsure of who I am and my purpose in life. I am at odds with basically my entire family, and feel insecure about this plight. Feel like a bad daughter or sister. Unsure of why I am doing this. Am I really just continuing my script of isolation from my birth story as my adoptive mother would easily affirm. Or am I succeeding in taking a stand on my life and where it is going. I am worried. Is my good will all an illusion, as my daughter still cries so much and acts overly chipper with me so I don't know if it's real. I am worried that she lives by route like I have been trained to. Fake feelings, turbulent inside. Scattered attention, trying to survive the outside but unsure of my inside resolve.

This label or title of being part of G-d's loved people really confuses me. Aren't labels harmful, and place one in the stereotypical position of living up to it without an identity formed of one's own? So why are we called that? Doesn't it create psychological pressure and inability to adhere to the rules by choice? Perhaps rather forcedly. I really don't know. It is still a struggle for us to be good. So why pretend we are? Maybe G-d gives us an extra watching, or eye, and we are punished more in heaven for not making use of it and ignoring our privilege. Sigh. I guess since we were not all raised to feel good about who we are, this title mocks us and remind us of how unworthy we really are for it. If it was implied in a real way, we would believe it and act on it. And it wouldn't be so far fetched. Sometimes being different is good, because it means that we don't follow the rest of the world's ways. 

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