Crying With My Daughter In-Arms

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Something big happened. My daughter woke up after 8 of sleep, perhaps due to yesterday's crying in arms a bit, she did not seem to want to fall asleep her usual way- at the breast. She just waited patiently for me to hold her and I did, but she couldn't cry and just stared at me. I did not give up, and moved her body away to trigger the wound. It worked and she burst into angry tears. She came back up to me angrily, and the tears subsided but she was still not ready to sleep. I did it again and again, and afterwards she had this sleepy content look as she watched me. I was unsure of how she felt, but exhaustion hit me so I lay down. Watching her open, vulnerable expression and neediness of me, I had the need to cry and felt sad about the past anger at her. I started to cry a little, and she watched me curiously. The tears led way to more, and I began thinking about her birth and its affect on me. I cried more, and suddenly it felt like I couldn't stop. They were soft, painful tears that seemed like they came from deep within me, engulfing me from their force. I thought of my story of adoption, and being left by my mother at a tender age. I felt raw pain and emptiness that I've been carrying around forever, and I let it out. I didn't care that my baby saw, because she may as well know the painful reality- as she feels it from me in my worst states. She looked at me with this knowing look, and I wondered what her little mind was thinking. Was she becoming aware of the pain the world has to offer, and feeling insecure? I felt suddenly bad for all she would have to endure, knowing that no one gets out without hurts. I loved her so much and did not want it to happen to her. I was glad at least I was here to love her. I also was scared she was too reliant on me, but as The Aware Baby says, children don't want to be dependent forever on their parent and they will go out on their own when they feel secure. I am ready to wait for that. I hope I do not hold her back by her seeing how insecure I am about life, but I think deep down I feel good about myself. 

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