How a Borderline Acts

It's almost too much to handle. I went for lunch with my adoptive mother today because we were exhausted but could not fall back asleep. It was insane.

As usual she was all bubbly about my looks- why don't you wear makeup and put your scarf nicer? Did you get a new dress? I muttered answers but did not get fazed. I was there to be myself, and not a picture of what she wanted of me. I guess she was relieved, because it seemed very draining for her to keep up her facade and I was not giving into it at all. Just being myself, and I was showing how easy and simple it was. She hemmed and hawed about my daughter's beauty, "Wow she's (finally) looking prettier as she grows." She of course freaked when my daughter was doing childish things like pull out tissues from the dispenser, bang the salt shakers and run to the door, " Some one will open it and hurt her!" I said my mantra, "She won't die." As in, let the toddler live. I told her, as if it was something profound, that babies need to explore and it harms their self-esteem to be forceful with them to stop when they are having fun. It was refreshing for her to hear, I know. 

She rushed to order and for some reason did not offer anything to get for me. I took it to mean she was no longer excited about treating me, and maybe the facade of being motherly was getting rusty. I ordered a small yogurt, a bit disappointed, but hey this was reality. 

I brought up the conversation I have been dying to have casually, how come she was not open with me about my foster care placement during my first three months of life. She clucked and said heavily, "Yes I did not because I thought it would be too painful for you to hear." I told her that didn't she know that I would still know inside because it happened to me, and she exclaimed yes, but she doesn't know how much babies knew...

I asked her about how she found out about my birth brother to adopt him, from someone she knew who had adopted our birth sister. She said yes, she heard from a friend about this woman who was pregnant with a boy, and did she want to take him in. When she told my father he understood and said yes, we only have one and can use another. Haha that's my language but point made. I said, did you even consider that being an adopted mother is a much more difficult job than having your own? She said yes, but you kids were happy. I said did you realize that we were grieving our loss of mother, just like you grieved your mother at the same time you adopted me? She said she wasn't sure. I asked her how she pretended we were happy, the same way she pretended she and my father were happy together. She said she sacrificed herself because she knew we wouldn't be able to handle the divorce as kids, and in the beginning of her marriage when he wasn't emotionally available she sacrificed her "wants" of his emotions known because she did not want to shake things up. I told her, did you know that the kids can feel when the parents are not happy and they learn what relationships are like from their parents. She got annoyed, and justified herself by saying she was only sacrificing for us, and she thinks she's a nice person. That is a classic borderline answer that they give as per Ollie Mathews.

I told her, you idealized your parents and that is why you accepted their standard of emotional behavior. I am not, because for my life I want to be happy. That is why I have a very open marriage with my husband. She said, are you happy? With a glint in her eye as if to hear gossip. I said, I don't even have to say I am happy because I know I am. I said, you never experienced that with anyone, so you have no idea how good it is. She said okay, as if it was just a matter of what brand of detergent I was using. I feel like there is something missing in her.

I explained that because she was never open about talking about our adoption pain, we never felt bonded to her. She said she thought it wasn't right to talk about it, did not want to burden our young minds with the thought of having two parents. I said, but it was already burdened, the pain and confusion was already there. She said, she was trying to save us from thinking about it. She said she thought about it all the time every time she looked at our faces she saw our birth mother. I said, yes that is reality and you denied it. She said so I was a bad mother you think. As if trying to manipulate me into seeing how foolish this was. I said, you did not do enough as an adoptive parent. You needed to help us with our pain more, because it is NOT like being a natural parent. She said, okay so I'm bad. Like a defiant child admitting their behavior but with contempt and not truly owning it. I said, yes you never were there for your children's emotions, and just gave to us physically, it was like dinner served on a broken plate. She nodded with a far-off look in her eyes. I said, if you would have just told me you understood my pain as a child it would have made me trust you and be able to bond with you. I said, I'll be honest I do not have a bond with you because I never felt you cared when I was growing up. We could still have one now, because you admitting that you understood that adoption was a huge grief was very validating to me now. She clucked and said, we can't because you think I was a bad mother. Like a child caught being disobedient and shamed. I said, yes but you admitted yourself now that you did not do enough emotionally. She said, to me I did my best. I cared and worried about you all the time. She huffed and said, children don't understand things like we do- how do I know it would have helped? She said my brother, also adopted, had a very good relationship with her. I said, yes because he is enmeshed and still does not feel like you love him and needs to still try to get your love. I felt like everything I said was for naught, and explained patiently that I carried the pain in me alone, if anyone would have acknowledged it I would have felt validated. Just like a person who is in grief and needs people to care in order to heal. She said kids are different. I said no, kids have feelings just as grownups, and need even more help discerning them. I said perhaps because you were scared of us truly not being bonded to you, you avoided talking about it. She said maybe. I triumphed. We left the store, and I continued.

I said, so because you wanted to pretend we were only your kids, because you needed us to be, you were not open to bringing the adoption feelings up. She suddenly disagreed, as if realizing how bad it looked for her, and said no no that is not true, I just did not want you to think about the confusing situation of having to know you had two parents. I said, it was still true though and reality is that we did. Hiding it was worst and made us suffer in silence, I said, maybe because your parents did not let you be open about your emotions you did not know how to talk about it. As she had agreed in the store that she grew up in a different generation, and accepted later on that her parents were doing what was best for the kids by not being emotionally open. I said, don't you think if your mother would have listened to your feelings, you would not have felt the need to sacrifice your life and happiness for your kids...? She exclaimed vehemently, "No that is not what happened. I did not sacrifice, I was doing the best I could...I have to go to the bank.."  When she saw me walking away, she gave a "We'll talk about this later?" I just continued walking without looking back, with disgust. I just cannot fake it like her anymore.

I was so angry afterwards, and my husband explained to me that she puts up an entire fake persona that she needs to keep up or else her life is in jeopardy. I texted her that in the olden days, when a child had to be given up for adoption, the birth family still kept in touch and the child was open to having both sets of parents. The only reason it became closed was because of the shame for the birth family for having a kid out of wedlock, and the privacy of the adoptive parents who felt insecure about the child not being theirs, and the need to pretend it was in order not to face their infertility. I hope shedding some reality will wake her up a bit. I see why I feel crazy for being myself now. I could not help telling her that I am happy now more than I ever was when I was in touch with them, and I am living for myself so she must think that I am the most selfish person.

They are really wolves in sheep's clothing, she seems so kind and giving on the outside, even stopping to talk with someone she met from her work about their job taking care of this elderly person. And I am the selfish one for focusing on My feelings. I am just confused about this life situation now. She agreed with me that feelings are the most important, but then justified not seeing them in order to keep the peace. I feel there is no peace in a house where feelings are ignored. I said when the mother is unhappy, the kids are also and feel it. She exclaimed, "So you make your husband listen to everything you want from him, non-stop?" I said yes, shocked that she thought it was so incredulous. It's a different world.

Just yesterday, when I was in a bad mood because I felt forced into taking care of my daughter, I stopped doing it and focused on my own needs and had a blast having fun for a few hours. I saw right away that we were both fully happy and I was able to see her better. Life is a hell of a difference when you actually feel good about it, than when you feel pressured.