Feeling Other People's Pain Is Real
I got extremely worked up last night from the stress of my daughter not sleeping, and eventually she fell asleep. I started thinking of how it was for me as a baby, in foster care for three months, and then being placed with my adoptive parents. How my mother did not tell me this information when I asked her where my newborn and early pictures where, and I later found out about the foster care and asked her when I was 24, and she admitted it was true and did not want to "upset" me. I was furious, because it shows how she never considered my feelings important at that age, only using me for her own purpose of having a baby of her own. Never acknowledging that we were different, and did not come from her. And I remembered how my aunt was shocked at my expression of grief for being adopted, and did not allow them to exist in her mind, because I had to be grateful to my mother for raising us. As if it was only for their benefit, and we didn't matter. I was so angry, because they are the overly religious ones, that claim to be so overly caring about others, but cannot even stop for two minutes to see my pain and viewpoint. If it is too emotional, they cannot allow it to exist, because their own victim-hood always takes precedence.
I cried and cried to myself, and acknowledged how crazy my life was. It was the first time I was seeing it so clearly in all the new dimensions. How everyone was inconsiderate of us adoptees' story, and how I felt growing up and how it was real. I felt tremendous self-pity and anger. I did not know what to do with it. I remembered my red eyes as a toddler in pictures, and my mother's fake smile holding me. I took out the pictures, and saw how I was so uptight and different than them in all of them. I thought about how my mother was grieving over losing her mother right when I was born, and she barely understood it and probably never got over it when she had me. Therefore, of course she couldn't see my grief over losing my mother. But it was still soo unfair, because I was the more vulnerable and needy one, at my tender age and the greater impact of losing my birth mother happening to me. No wonder I always felt as if nobody in the world understood me. I went to my husband's side and told him about the anger and memories I was having, and he looked bleary-eyed and nodded. I still felt he didn't get me, and I was about to leave but then he reassured me that he did care and my daughter and him loved me now. I sadly and bitterly said, what did it matter now, the worst already happened and my baby-self did not feel her mother loved her. He said, now you know what happened and why, and you can rise above it. I thanked him, and acknowledged that I did a lot by having my own family and staying afloat.
The next day, I stayed with my daughter through her need to sleep in, and read The Aware Baby about toddler-hood. I learned more about healthy attachment and toilet training. It was beautiful to me to learn about how important it was for babies to feel they can make decisions for themselves, in order to feel important in the world, and that using punishment and reward only lessened their confidence. I strongly agree with this, and wanted to implement it more in my life. On page 177, Solter talks about why toddlers act out, and it can be because they need to relieve tensions they had from earlier traumas, and re-enact it because their bodies know they need to do that psychologically to heal. So I was right about that. I decided to let her cry it out more, and express herself instead of always giving in. It causes her to feel unseen and unaccepted, because I do not see her pain. I know how painful that is. I wanted to cry just thinking about that feeling, and how she seemed so docile and frozen when we ignored her pain earlier because we felt tired and annoyed. Solter also says that when toddlers do not listen to you, it may be because they are trying to see where your limits are, because they sense a parent's ambiguity and giving in despite their needs not being met. Toddlers feel uncomfortable about this, and they are relieved when the parent is more straight forward. This is a relief for me. Also, she says on page 217 to 223 that when babies have a hard time separating from mother to other familiar caretakers, it can be because they never got a change to cry out their pain with her so they feel insecure with leaving. Once a child feels close to a parent, they will be able to leave confidently. She also spoke about the importance of a parent getting a lot of outside support with their children, in order to be able to have emotional stamina for them, and I agree with this. I need to be around other mothers and support, because filling her needs sometimes drives me crazy, especially when I do not feel able to meet my own.
I didn't feed her, and took her into my arms and told her I was going to be there for her tears, and love her. She screamed and cried, pushing away from me. I realized that it was because of my enabling of repression of her feelings by feeding her to sleep numerously throughout the nights and mornings, and probably from her birth trauma of feeling out of control from the forceps and vacuum suction. She cried hysterically for twenty minutes, and then stopped and went on a few more times. I realized I cannot fix it all in one day, and it seems hopeless if I expect myself to. We have to see where we are up to, and how much we did accomplish so far. I see she does love, need and listen to me mostly. She also is able to express happiness.
When I was young, I was docile but that was only because I was adapting to everyone around me to learn how to be. I was never given a chance at forming my own identity, and that is why I am so angry and needy now. Being aware of the feelings helps. Solter says when children learn from their parents that their feelings matter, they can understand other's feelings. It helps develop empathy, and that is why it is so important to show kids you see their feelings. All the world's problems comes from not feeling important and cared for.
I cried and cried to myself, and acknowledged how crazy my life was. It was the first time I was seeing it so clearly in all the new dimensions. How everyone was inconsiderate of us adoptees' story, and how I felt growing up and how it was real. I felt tremendous self-pity and anger. I did not know what to do with it. I remembered my red eyes as a toddler in pictures, and my mother's fake smile holding me. I took out the pictures, and saw how I was so uptight and different than them in all of them. I thought about how my mother was grieving over losing her mother right when I was born, and she barely understood it and probably never got over it when she had me. Therefore, of course she couldn't see my grief over losing my mother. But it was still soo unfair, because I was the more vulnerable and needy one, at my tender age and the greater impact of losing my birth mother happening to me. No wonder I always felt as if nobody in the world understood me. I went to my husband's side and told him about the anger and memories I was having, and he looked bleary-eyed and nodded. I still felt he didn't get me, and I was about to leave but then he reassured me that he did care and my daughter and him loved me now. I sadly and bitterly said, what did it matter now, the worst already happened and my baby-self did not feel her mother loved her. He said, now you know what happened and why, and you can rise above it. I thanked him, and acknowledged that I did a lot by having my own family and staying afloat.
The next day, I stayed with my daughter through her need to sleep in, and read The Aware Baby about toddler-hood. I learned more about healthy attachment and toilet training. It was beautiful to me to learn about how important it was for babies to feel they can make decisions for themselves, in order to feel important in the world, and that using punishment and reward only lessened their confidence. I strongly agree with this, and wanted to implement it more in my life. On page 177, Solter talks about why toddlers act out, and it can be because they need to relieve tensions they had from earlier traumas, and re-enact it because their bodies know they need to do that psychologically to heal. So I was right about that. I decided to let her cry it out more, and express herself instead of always giving in. It causes her to feel unseen and unaccepted, because I do not see her pain. I know how painful that is. I wanted to cry just thinking about that feeling, and how she seemed so docile and frozen when we ignored her pain earlier because we felt tired and annoyed. Solter also says that when toddlers do not listen to you, it may be because they are trying to see where your limits are, because they sense a parent's ambiguity and giving in despite their needs not being met. Toddlers feel uncomfortable about this, and they are relieved when the parent is more straight forward. This is a relief for me. Also, she says on page 217 to 223 that when babies have a hard time separating from mother to other familiar caretakers, it can be because they never got a change to cry out their pain with her so they feel insecure with leaving. Once a child feels close to a parent, they will be able to leave confidently. She also spoke about the importance of a parent getting a lot of outside support with their children, in order to be able to have emotional stamina for them, and I agree with this. I need to be around other mothers and support, because filling her needs sometimes drives me crazy, especially when I do not feel able to meet my own.
I didn't feed her, and took her into my arms and told her I was going to be there for her tears, and love her. She screamed and cried, pushing away from me. I realized that it was because of my enabling of repression of her feelings by feeding her to sleep numerously throughout the nights and mornings, and probably from her birth trauma of feeling out of control from the forceps and vacuum suction. She cried hysterically for twenty minutes, and then stopped and went on a few more times. I realized I cannot fix it all in one day, and it seems hopeless if I expect myself to. We have to see where we are up to, and how much we did accomplish so far. I see she does love, need and listen to me mostly. She also is able to express happiness.
When I was young, I was docile but that was only because I was adapting to everyone around me to learn how to be. I was never given a chance at forming my own identity, and that is why I am so angry and needy now. Being aware of the feelings helps. Solter says when children learn from their parents that their feelings matter, they can understand other's feelings. It helps develop empathy, and that is why it is so important to show kids you see their feelings. All the world's problems comes from not feeling important and cared for.
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