Long Lost Hobby

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I found a part of myself that really energized me this afternoon, in the stress of feeling stuck with caring for my baby daughter. I was criticizing myself and trying to enforce myself to listen to her pain, and so I did not allow myself to enjoy when I bought myself a salad and healthy lunch. I felt so bad that she was upset from my annoyance at her not sleeping and not being able to listen to her feelings, that she was disassociated the whole outting. Shame and guilt took over. I was beside myself at home. I watched a video of me talking about my feelings, because I decided maybe mirroring would help me feel better. Then, I did something I like and hadn't done in ages- I danced to music to express myself. I was thinking of the song "Bleeding in Love" and how it applied to how I felt lately, and it hit me how songs can help you express your emotions and find out the depths of your feelings. So I did it and videoed myself. I saw how I felt cringy, and it was from judging the way I moved. I let go of judgment and realized that my movements express how I feel inside so judging them makes me not let my feelings FLOW. I danced for a while, and realized how happy and content I was, being myself and allowing my creativity out. I saw how I dance very fluidly, awkward or not, and it looks effortless. I was proud of my heritage and getting that talent from my dad's side. It gave me a sense of who I was and let me own my body, so to say.

Maybe I found a part of me that I was not expressing, and it made me more whole. I will continue using this tool for when I need to let out my feelings, because it made me feel more myself. The troubles of my daughter's feelings being troubled went away. She sensed my relaxation, and it made her happier. Sometimes I need more time than I allow myself in order to get back to myself. Or be myself, period. Sigh I need a lot. I hope she will be able to understand and not feel hurt. 

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