The Body Remembers, and Spiritual Bonds

Realized that connection with my daughter is inevitable, and that adoption made me think there was no such thing as unconditional love. I was writing on the forum for adoptees about it and people understood and validated the uncertainty I had.

In addition I watched a video called The Body Keeps the Score: Brain Mind And Body in the Healing of Trauma And van der Volt speaks about how trauma not being validated causes people to store it in their bodies and still feel like it is happening even in the present and so a plain coffee date can feel emotionally terrifying and anxiety producing. He says EMDR takes a person back to the trauma in their body and helps them resolve it. I think this is what has been happening to me all my life, and why minor things can become excruciatingly hard for me.

I heard Ross Rosenberg say that to heal we need to be put in better circumstances where we receive the opposite of the trauma like support groups. I have joined a good and stable adoptee support forum where there is no shaming, and have already felt more real. I also found the adoptee blog by maddelinehattuer that really made me feel better about my pain and not being validated. I admire her conviction and support of the grief that is unseen by most of the world. She says very truly that it angers them because they can't face the grief. But it is the only way she is able to feel something. I never related more.

I learned from someone on the forum that she has a close relationship with her children despite the way she parented with her wounded child and that  honesty saved it. I took from this that the spiritual bond, as they spoke about elsewhere that is always there between parents and child, is always there and if one is open to a relationship it will be strong.

Unlike the adoptive parents and adoptee that have a false bond based on denial of the truth. That he is their true child and there is no other parents who are important and matter to the child.

I spoke to my birth mom about adoption trauma yesterday, and it was like she got it instantly due to our spiritual connection. I barely explained and she went yes I know. She agreed that she felt the same things as I with our adoptive moms that they were merely friends. For me it was a fake friend, as it was true for her as well. I said it all so unemotionally, and I wondered about the anger I harbor inside towards her for leaving me. I tried to justify her by saying "I understand that you felt like you could not be a mother." She said yeah. I said I could not imagine leaving my daughter and how strong my bond is with her, and she listened. Suddenly she had to go when I explained about her sad face when I hurt her feelings. Typical. She also laid the blame on my father that he did not want to go to court to fight for us, because he was scared to a father too. He told me he did go with her though.