The Killer Was Adopted

The killer of the Parkland high school shooting was adopted as a baby. I stared at his face in the google search, noticing his dead but handsome eyes and face. I got a chill. How can someone be pushed to do such a thing? He must have been really troubled. Felt unheard and un-trusting of humanity. Society is also to blame for not being aware of the impact of adoption- separation from the birth mother and its affects on the emotions of a person. The way the heart feels slowly numbed inside, until it cannot feel its impact on others. Of course, nobody has the right to kill, no matter what. But it doesn't change the fact that he was broken inside, with no hope of a normal life. The deed he did shakened me greatly, because a part of me knows the feeling behind it, if not marginally. The feeling that you have no one in the world. The anti social behavior that his classmates reported he displayed, that one by one his friends dropped him, I know all too well. I have felt estranged from everyone, have been a loner. I was embarrassed when people revealed my tenancies, when I heard two girls say to me, "We thought you had no friends...you are just that type." I thought, what kind of "type" is that, not to have any friends? I was mortified, and felt that I was a laughing-stock. I knew it was true. Another time, a young cousin of mine insinuated that I was this way when they spoke about me dating their cousin from the other side of the family, saying, "But she has no friends so it is not a match..." As if I was not there. My face turned crimson, and again, a feeling of bottom-pit shame burned in me. What would become of me?

But then I met my husband, and now I see the same thing in him. And I project- he's the loner, the one who does not know how to interact with other humans. I only do not want to admit that it is in me, too. If it wasn't, I would pity him more, and see that he is a nice guy, with a lot of background history of trauma that makes him clam up around others. It is a triggered response to people. It is not that he does not like them, he is just scared of rejection. Failure to seem normal, like everyone else. I have pity for him, when I know that I have the same issues. If I do not pay attention to them for one day, I erupt in annoyed accusation of him for "not acting right." Not seeing me, not  being interested enough. The fact is, that we are both responsible for our energy, and if one is down, we can acknowledge it  but only when we are not too angry and needy of it's change. When you can bring up an observation non-judgmentally, it has the chance of being effective.

I noticed that I tend towards projection of people "not being good enough," because my mother did that constantly. Since she never felt she was enough, she could not see how others would be enough. For example, if I ever achieved a position or award, she downplayed it slightly by seeing cautious and inquiring how "it will help you further," or "what now?" I still have this knee-jerk reaction to when I achieve some goals now. We need to be careful of how we feel about ourselves, because it always spills over to others.

If people were more aware of feelings stemming from incidences in childhood, they would be allot more understanding and caring towards people who display antisocial behavior. We need more understanding and compassion for human emotion. Perhaps people scare away from mental health issues because it represents their own painful feelings that they are repressing. I know that whenever a person has a strong reaction to something, it is because they have the same issue and do not want to face it. Interestingly, we are all connected and part of a whole as human beings, and have all aspects of each other in us. The world will become a friendlier and more loving place when we acknowledge all of the parts in us, equally in importance.