The monster to feeling Real is Within

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I cannot take in any acceptance if I don't fully accept that part of me that others accept myself. I will kill myself in sweat and blood to try to gain outward approval, but my demons laugh at me and swipe their swords confidently. It feels helpless and stuck in this place forever. That's my birth sake, my forever truth etched onto my soul like carved words on stone.

The only way, the only way to move forward from it is to slowly override it with new messages, created solely by me. I have power to change, and if I let myself slip with the tide, I will get washed away on shore. There are dead bodies all around me, but they sparkle in the illusion of life everywhere. Fires burn within me choking from the sulfur of their spinning lives. Only I know the truth, and I must fight fight fight all day to let it shine. Intense, yes but only I know that I have come here to this life to experience nothing less. To cry tears of grief and joy at coming home. I won't have it any other way, till I reach my endless happiness. I will NOT go after the others. No matter how alone I am in knowing the truth.

Weird thing is this may all be an illusion that I created in me when the terrible crushing grief of my psychological death occured. Call it mental illness, but it must be true because it is in me.  This death of my spiritual being. I am trying to resuscitate it, but it taking an awful hell of a time to get it breathing, just for 1 minute.

Am I alone, forever? No. I will reach personal belief in myself, and become real, no matter what opposes me. I have to experience the love of myself. The sharp, and clear unending path it creates with it. I was always destined for it. I know hell, the opposite of it. I will never feel that again. Passed it, moved on.

As maddeline said, she hates having to face the trauma feelings, but she'd rather feel something... than to feel nothing at all. That is why I stopped self medicating with distracting comfort like food all day... I can't bring myself to, because the minute I start I lose my feeling. I love feeling real, it is better than any other feeling I get from anything. Feeling real is making my feelings matter even though they are mainly of grief and ugly pain.

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