A strange Encounter

It's so ironic. I was just taking time for myself today, and letting me breathe. I thought of how I need to find happiness... It's inside... Lose the need to control life...

Suddenly I met the strange religious man that I met with my husband last week, and he begged for money and told me bluntly you're special and questioned what is wrong with your husband he seems stressed will you make him change? And I felt he has a point.

So he questions me now, why are you unhappy? What happened? Why are you with this man? I laughed awkwardly and said what do you mean. He said he wants to help me. I figured I had nothing. To. Lose. So i listened as he told me that he had a book to help me. Knowing full well that the scenario seemed very creepy. But who knows, I followed my heart. I wanted to hear. He said my heart is all over the place and can do anything, while my husband seems too stuck and the religious type. I agreed. He said I need to change him.

He told me, you are special. Your husband is not like you different souls... I said yes. Laughing. If my mom had been there she would have been dubious and imply that he was just a wacko. He told me he saw that I was very unhappy. My husband did not make me happy? Yes. I asked him, so what is his cure? Do I need to leave him to be happy? He said no, but if I don't go to him and talk, and not tell my husband, I would be divorced in 2 years. Do I want to have more kids? I wondered if he picked up from me or was trying to by my answer if I was happy or not. I got an uneasy feeling, like he was just a creep. I laughed and said I tell my husband everything. We are best friends. He knew, but said I need help. Can see I am a unhappy, and need more fun. I told him that we need to find happiness inside first. Perhaps that is the main thing. He said yes, but that's why I needed to talk to him because he wanted to tell me the way I could be happy. My gut convulsed with suspicion about his motives, and I told him I would be happy when I get out of here. We walked away with barely a thank you. It was natural to me. I wonder if he was true. Or just intuitive. I thought about it all the way on my walk. He has shown me whom I was,  intentionally or not, and I felt more confidence in acting out how I felt on the inside.

I felt strangely peaceful. Someone saw me. Perhaps I can be seen for who I am and it not all in my head. I am different and don't need to conform. I don't want to and it is obvious. ... It is clear from my appearance that I am confused and unhappy? How come no one tells me, or seems to see how unhappy I am? Tries to talk to me? Am I living with a bunch of blind people? Maybe my husband truly is blind to me? What do I need? It is interesting to me. My outside truly is exactly how I feel and see inside, I see. I can create my reality, and things don't just happen by chance. I am very open-minded, some people mock it and call me naive, but it makes me open to take in information and sift through to see what resonates. I can take happiness out of my experiences in life, then. Some people are so closed and skeptical about anything that doesn't ring familiar to them, that they have no room for happiness and growth.

I walk on with my soul soaring. I know who I am. I am an infinite being, and no one can bring me down. Not with their rules and restrictions. That I can't love myself and feel joy in who I am in the present. That life is like a ever changing mirror, that never stops to astound and interest me. People are dead inside, walking around constricted by their own small minds. Depressed from their circumstances that they are forever stuck in. The belief that if they don't get everyone's approval and validation, they can't be happy. The idea that if some one they know is in pain they don't deserve to be happy,  either. Enmeshment.

I want to find my people. I stop in a pizza store where I have always vibed with the guy behind the counter. He is hot, yes I said it, and has similar free energy as me. Probably ten years older, with cynicism about the religion's cult-like mentality and living on the outskirts of it. I know he probably had little knowledge of its' truth, but may know there is something special about it. I know or have this feeling that he likes me or has a soft spot for me. Because of my looks and individuality. I feel this yearning to connect with him, but I know it would be against my bounds. I find myself drawn to hopeful innocence of romantic stories of men and women who fall in love and have desire to know one another.  I know I am lacking in that field tremendously.

So I wondered if this pizza guy really did see me, as this stranger had. I sidled over and he made no outside notion of being happy to see me. I ordered, and waited. I sensed it. That he was happy to see me. I am an awesome individual, different than most people in this town. I said thanks and nothing more. He replied likewise and I felt. Nothing would happen between us as long as I was married. I have too much self-respect. But the heart...

I enjoy flirting with boundaries. I enjoy seeing myself for who I am. Actions do reflect your inside sometimes. I feel different, special. I know there is magic to life, and we are not all meant to be conforming robots. I also know there is a lot of magic in human beings that needs to be directed, or else it can overspill and rot, destroying everything in it's wake. I need to find my purpose, and live it endlessly. I see my difference in how I parent, see my pride and unwavering individuality in the face of the most popular of the crowd. I see how they feel I am a threat to their lifestyles of denial and set materialism and focus on conformity to make them feel important. I know it's all a farse, and the only true happiness is found in embracing humanity. Vulnerability and openness.. I laugh at their attempts to look grand. I feel grand despite not putting in twice the effort.

But alas I am still here. Oppressed and a victim to my society. I need change now. I hate getting caught in the clutches of guilt and unworthiness for not being who I am. I want to shine and be light. I seem to be letting my programming rule me- of being the black sheep and never-good-enough in other's eyes. But secretly I know I am better. Uf.