I am Pained Because Of My Broken Family

I am not sure how I feel sometimes. This morning I cried my eyes out surprising myself that I had so much feeling. Yesterday I felt unfeeling and numb. The disconnection got to me. I am angry that people are so disconnected.

I was looking at a girl I knew from the past Facebook, and she was really troubled but proud. She couldn't see the beauty of life. She and her friends were so sunk in- as she said she feels there are vines around her heart that nobody can get to. I was envious of her poetic depth. Once upon a time I used to write sonnets and poems about my feelings, back when I was all alone and heartbroken. Now I don't really access that side of me, only through this blog sometimes. I miss feeling! But I just felt so sad that no body understood these girls or wanted to. It's like everyone felt they were totally at odds with them, and they would never belong to "normal" society.

I am like that too. And I got around feeling alone. I am definitely not alone, others feel deep pain too. It is a romantic or old soul thing. I am in love. I feel like I found my other halves so to say. We are all flying star dusts, trying to catch magic.

I was talking to my birth father last night, for an hour and a half. I couldn't stop. We just went on and on, even in the face of having nothing to say and stumbling. It didn't matter, we still wanted to talk to one another. Trying to piece back our broken parts. Because for the first time, I saw a glimpse of how he was broken too. He had no sense of self, could not say his true opinion of people. He said he stayed home by himself a lot, did not know what to say to people. I am like that. I also realized how sad I was that my other birth sister and brother don't talk to me. I asked him if he misses them or thinks about them and he said all the time. I got the sense that he is frozen. We spoke about how he saw me as a baby when I was born and he saw me with all the other babies. It made me sad and feel like I was not important to anyone. My birth mother just "wanted babies," and still wants them even though she is old now. He said she sleeps a lot and he visits her often. He said she has a good heart and feeds the whole neighborhood. He also has a good heart. He added that "You do too." I agreed gingerly with all his praises. But felt cognitive dissonance.

When I woke up I realized why. They may be good hearted people, but they did not give to their children or raise them. So I felt they were unloving deep down. But it is because of their situations... Still. If he wanted, he could have moved out away from her, because she was neglectful, and gotten custody of his kids. He said he could see himself raising children. So why didn't he? He has self esteem problems I know. Something about his past- raging mother and being in foster care. But I raise my child in my state. I don't give up. It made me very sad and depressed.

I was selfish the past days, not letting myself feel my pain and trying to bandage it with doing and pleasure. But it didn't help, and I am in pain. Distant family, feeling lost in identity... Having a hard time being present with my child. Running around to find my broken pieces once again.