Carrying Our pain Does Not Let Us Be Free To Live

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Just went out with my a mother and we had interesting conversations about the past. I brought up some thoughts I had about her family, and how I never felt included and truly accepted because I was adopted. She was indignant and said she truly loved me as her own- and I pointed out the problems with that. That it is fake and not authentic because I was not hers and I had other parents out there. And I did not know my heritage.

Basically, I realized that the more you hide the truth and live in pretend that things are okay when they are not, the more you carry the burden of pain because you constantly have to cover it up. And I explained how many people in our community have that problem because of the holocaust and survivor guilt. Of how the parents do not let their children be happy because they never got to. They live in fear and high idealization of how they should be, that they are not truly living themselves. She actually listened and agreed!!! I was not pushing it just stating it and having in conscious that I was speaking my truth. Not trying to please others like I used to and was raised with. She was curious and shocked by my differences. Proud of me. Ironically for not being the way she raised me to be. She kept defending herself by saying how she truly loved and never thought of us as different, but I repeated how we weren't the ones she wanted truly because biological children would be more ideal. She was trying to make me feel better. She agreed finally, seeing how I did not need her to ease the pain. The wound of it all. I told her how I was not ready to deal with my adoptive sister, her daughter, because she never understood my pain and always had resentment that I am adopted and so needy and insecure because of it, and the pain of the secrecy and tension behind adoption made her unable to accept it. She understood, and I felt amazement at being heard. The battle was over.

She is so used to having to fix everyone it is her nature. In her genes. That is why none of siblings can live. They need to share each other's pain keeping it immortal. Wracked in guilt without noticing it. 

Leaving the burden go lets you truly live for yourself. As she always pretends she does, but you can see it is not so by how she takes care of her ex husband, and makes it her duty even though she is not happy. She can never seem relaxed and truthful. It's all in the name of morality. She thinks it would be selfish to think about herself. At least now I was so it helped her be. It's a taste of freedom, to truly let yourself be and admit your truth.

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