Floating In Space

-

Don't want to lose my footing in where I am at this place- feeling happy. I feel like if you watch yourself for blindspots where you might fall, you can stay up. I fell last night because the day I felt too proud. Wanted to keep this fix, scared of the inevitable self-doubt. And it crept up on me till I stumbled and hit bottom. Oof.

I need to be aware of myself. I have a problem in believing in myself, no matter what others say. It is in my make-up. I know that in order to do anything in life, first you need yourself backing you. I lose myself at the push on a button. Fall deep into the cyber space. Literally. I lose focus and want pleasure to save me. From myself. And I am back to square one. A rabbi said, everyone falls. The big thing is to pick yourself up and try again. Life will never be without struggles, unless you already gave up and gave into your animal drives. And then you are living on auto pilot so nothing really feels big. When you feel something, it means the spark in you is alive and wants to grow.

I wonder... When will I feel I matter? That everything I have, I did for myself. Like, manifested as Ralph Smart, Lisa Romano, and other spiritual teachers say. When will I look around, and feel like I Impact! Like I am the superstar to my family, and made everything we have possible. I feel guilty and small. I can barely take an acknowledgment from my husband that I made a good meal. And it keeps passing, meal and shopping and cooking and cleaning... Nothing lasts, and the memories fade. A good memory of yesterday here and there, a fun time and laughs. A perfect day, a connected experience shopping and outtings... When will it be me? Sometimes I glimpse at myself, when I see my baby's smile at me for all the appreciation she has for me, I see my pictures of authentic expressions, not trying to cover up my pain...maybe that will count one day. When she looks back... I see how much I desire to look at my ancestors in the pictures, but perhaps because I barely met them... Sigh. When will I be enough? More than a blip on the picture. A scratch in the system. A lost soul from her family.

Did adoption do this to me? Will my daughter know she matters? I know I doubt my existence matters to my biological family, who are out there somewhere. Maybe I need to spend time with them, show my heart that they do need me. Cause they didn't show it.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Limbic Brain Flashbacks From Trauma

-
There is nothing without love. Life starts within the mother’s womb, where she and her child are one. She is all he knows, and he needs her to develop his emotional brain, until he can become an autonomous self. Therefore, why are the role of women so inferior in society? They basically make up a human’s development of skills, true self-worth (that they are loved by another person), and growth potential.  Nancy Verrier says in Coming Home to Self that the experiences we have during the first three years of life “play a big part in our overall attitudes and beliefs” (Page 382). Personally I felt beaten down a lot, in my emotional body and ability to use my strengths of giving love. I feel like a shadow of a person, in this world, my skills and worth invisible to myself and to everyone else. This has to do with my suffering from the primal wound of being relinquished from my biological mother, and then adopted when I was a few months old. Verrier states, “Severing of the bond with th
Read more

Daughter and Projection of Anxiety

-
My daughter was anxious as me when we got back. I wanted to write a whole letter to my Rabbi about the community ignorance of emotions, and she was not falling asleep. I was kind of on edge and finished it. Then she ran around the house and I made myself some food even though I snacked earlier. She started squishing the cherry tomatos, and I recognized that it was from her frustrated emotions so I said to her, "You're angry right?" And she delighted and repeated the word and squeezed some more on them with her fingers. I winced inside a bit from the waste, and tried to focus. It was good that I was trying to validate her a bit, unlike how I was never validated at all for my grief as a baby. But it was hard because I was stressed. Needed time to myself and yet she needed my attention... And I felt a spiral coming. I desperately tried to hold on to myself and her. My mind was telling me that she was needy and that I was doing a bad job. But my heart was screaming for focus
Read more

Who Are Adopted Children Really

-
          Is it any wonder that the adopted child feels so unreal. Journey of The Adopted Self by Betty Jean Lifton inspired me to think about this. Reading the first few chapters and so excited with it. It speaks to my soul and resonates, being truth to me. She said that no one romanticizes mothers more than adoptees. As a blind person who tries to imagine how the sun looks upon a flower, the adopted child never experienced their mother, so there is plenty to imagine in their minds what it means. True, and why I have a hard time understanding the concept of true belonging.        As my older also adopted sister told me, why am I sad about adoption? I should just be happy and apply the knowledge that it was for my good, and a wonderful thing that I was adopted because   she my birth mother could not take care of me properly for her life. She expected me to just not feel sad about that and deny all the pain and feelings of non-belonging and yearning for a place in the world all of
Read more