Hating Myself and Feeling Alive

Try to do all the right things, but soul is not there. Mechanically listening to lectures like I should, and cleaning like I should. My heart says yass I'm winning behaving well. But the thoughts in my head are spinning with self-negate. Resistance to being there with me.

My daughter whines, and I attend to her. Show her that I see her, but a part of me hangs back. I can't get it to follow. I sigh and feel stuck.

I think about what is bothering me. I can be free to choose. And my body wants a change. In scenery. Running from the pain of last night, where I almost gave myself totally away. So i still have lingering emotions of hell.

Last night, I fell deep into abyss. Everything came to a standstill, because of feeling unheard. Like a big fat victim. I let my feelings take over. I asked the cleaning lady, a christian, zealous, old and black woman, if she thought there were demons in my house. She characteristically said no, and if I am having bad dreams I should tell them to "Go away" because I am a good Jewish person, a good mother, and have a good husband... I said thanks but choked on the familiar cognitive dissonance because I felt that the way she saw me was false. I felt confused and anything but good. I again felt that nobody saw me, and people thought I was some kind of angel for being married with a child etc, that they didn't see the real me. The child that was dying for recognition. And then I realized, that I was letting myself drown by not changing the situation to match my inside feelings. She left and gave me another blessing to have another child, as she laughed at her "prophetic" abilities that caused her to know I was having this one.

I did not feel loving, did not feel heard and loved by my husband. Victim mentality took over, and I saw myself for my pain. I shunned my husband and took time for myself. I had to do it, or no one would see me.

I looked into the vast world and asked if I can validate my own pain. I felt like if no one was around to see it, I was not real. I questioned if I really believed there was a G-d. And if there was, where was my help. Was I supposed to seek validation from others first, and then see G-d in the salvation? Or was I to turn to Him alone? But did I believe He was there? I just cried and cried and asked for help in my low point. I was not sure I believed I would be helped. I felt too invisible.

So this is what confidence in G-d is. When you are at your lowest, and have no one to rely on the test lies. Because there is no excuses to pretend you believe, but get saved through others. I had no joy in life, I felt desolate. Exhausted all my efforts. At the core of me, I felt empty. I spoke to my birth father earlier, and he sounded just as unconfident and sad as I did, relying on me for comfort. I could barely lift my voice. I told him sorry for telling him about my problems, as I feel low most  times I speak to him, and he said, "It's okay I just want to hear your voice." And I didn't believe him. I guess I feel empty and desperate deep inside.

My husband escaped to the room because I told him I needed space, trying to keep the resentment out of my voice. I just wanted to be real, and reality was that he could not help me. I told him that every time he listened to me talk about my feelings, I felt like he didn't see me so it was a waste of my energy. And anyway, I wanted to start living truth fully and not pretend that I was seen when I didn't feel so.

My daughter ran around and let out little sentences, but I had no strength to pay attention or care. I felt like I had nothing to give her. I just cried, trying to get through the pain but it felt unending. I questioned the point of life.

Finally, my husband asked if I wanted to talk, and I said no. I resigned to live in my pain to be real, but not to tell him because he did not see it. It felt familiar to me. Like my whole life.

We went to the fast food store and I felt it was against my will to eat there, because I needed to see my pain. I waited as he bought a sandwich, and watched my daughter cry at having been forced out. We went home.

My husband got angry at me that I did not open up about my emotions, and said I was giving him a cold shoulder and it was not fair to him. I laughed at his pathetic dependency on me, and said it was nothing to do with him, but I needed to be there for myself... And if that meant staying away from people who don't understand that would be it. He got so angry and said I was being stubborn and stuck in my opinion, when it was not true. I became furious that he did not let me have my feelings and ignored him. He raged and shook his hands angrily and so I just said "you're right" to get him to stop as he was disturbing us. I made plans to divorce him as soon as I could in my head. It was better to be alone than to be with someone who used you and didn't see you. He told me I was lying to myself and that he did see my pain. That I was being unfair to shut people out, it was abusive. I thought about it, and my heart said this was what I had to do to have me. Otherwise I felt enmeshed because I did not feel loved by others. I said, it always sounded like he was reading a script when he listened to me, and that only people who felt my pain could understand me. He argued that he did understand that I went through a lot growing up, and he got nervous when he saw how much my family didn't seem to truly care about me. He said he knew that it was hard for me every day not having friends, and that I had a hard time trusting people. I listened and agreed. He said he had to work on his own issues in order to see me better, and he was trying. I knew it was true, and sighed about the whole mess we were in. I was so needy like a baby to have someone see my pain fully without my having to tell them.

Nobody would save me unless I wanted to be saved. We spoke about how G-d saves people who believe in Him. Truly, and not just giving up. I guess when we believe, we believe in ourselves too because we were created by Him so we are special. So I was satisfied to believe in myself and that I will get helped.

I see that having a clean house makes me feel magical, like I can be who I want. I tried to be happy. See my pain more, but be able to live in the present. I saw how I love my daughter soo much, and how needy she is of me. When I am not blocked to seeing myself, I can see how I am all she has, because I want to be there for her. When I walk down the street and see babies crying in locked up strollers, with their mothers just walking on as usual, I know my daughter gets the better deal than them. That makes me feel alive. I know now that I need people to belong to, and not having that affects me. It makes me feel included and unloved by humanity, an unnatural feeling. We cannot survive alone, we need love and validation from others. Otherwise, what is the point of joy in life? If you have no one to share it with. You feel alone.