Innate love

I was right all along. I read in The Continuum Concept this weekend some really great things. That children who receive their full in-arms stage, that is held by their mother as an infant and sleeping by her because they do not have a innate sense that they are safe without her, do not have an unending need for love and mother affection like people in civilized society think. When they cry, they can be comforted. I think it is projection when people freak when babies cry, because they themselves never felt "at home" with the way they felt. So they shush babies and think that tantrums are a negative sign. When in reality, tantrums and upsets show emotions and that the baby or kid still feels their emotions enough to express them. I realized this more today, and when my daughter complained when I got frustrated and snapped at her, I understood that she was hurt by it and apologized and let her get her sadness out. I know that deep down no matter what I do she has received unconditional love from me and we can always go back to it, she is pretty emotionally okay. Unlike me as a toddler, were I was always very docile and only expressed anger in extreme cases, and even then I know deep down I was not okay. That is why I have such trouble now expressing and feeling my emotions and need to run away because the minute I am triggered I blow up inside. Last night, I was extremely tense and felt a wreck inside. I fed into my emotions of sorrow and self pity that I had "no support," as it said in the book that adults who never felt loved and cared for as a baby need extra love from others now, and if they could voice it in a healthy way, they can get it. I know that deep down I still require extreme validation and care for being a person worthy of love. Therefore, I over question every interaction I have and see how much I adore admiration and mirroring from others. So I sulk like a baby that cannot even voice her needs, and it looks like I am dropped fully into my trauma as a baby, behaving docile on the outside but screaming inside for love and mothering. I could not take care of my daughter, I was frozen, and every part of me screamed in resentment when she cried and tried cuddling up to me. I felt like I was totally uninterested in being her mother. It was a horrid feeling, that brought me loads of guilt and shame and cognitive dissonance. I sat for an hour in the other room and my husband helped me by watching her and babying her. I was so resentful of him not seeing how much I was hurting. He said I could talk to him, that he knew I was in pain, but stubbornness and anger didn't let me. I made my favorite food, and sat down to eat with my daughter hanging around on my chair and turning things upside down. I wanted to scream with annoyance at her neediness, so I just ran into my room and said "I need space." I silently cursed him for not seeming to care. I knew he knew how I felt, but I did not feel connected to anyone and was angry at how the world did not see me. It was primal wounded feelings, and I soaked in it stubbornly. I was so hurt it felt like my throat was scratchy and I wanted to cry, but I relished in the pain because of the joy of the familiar. This was me, I felt, it was my essence and imprint. I knew it was wrong, but I delighted in being "bad." Like revenge on a society that was corrupt and dysfunctional, for not noticing the inhuman nature of adoption and give support to adoptees. And my adoptive family, who never cared about my pain. And my adoptive brother, who hurt me so much but was so hurt himself and could not see it. I cried and finally pushed myself to talk. My husband told me he was in pain when I was, and since I have a family, my daughter and him, it was not fair to keep in my pain. It was ironic inside because I felt so unconnected that it seemed a lie that anyone cared about me. I told him that and he said I hurt him by not seeing that he cared. I felt further hurt and confused. I had no idea how to see that he cared. He didn't show it because he didn't notice feelings. He told me he had to work on his own issues to be able to see other people's feelings. I told him how isolated I felt, and that I was angry that I was expected to be good to my daughter when no one was aware of my pain. He understood, and said that I only had to do my best. My daughter stared at me with her reddened cheeks from her exhaustion, and I cried to her and said I did love her. She looked away and held me and fell asleep. I sat in the dark for an hour and then finally got up to use the washroom. She felt me move and woke up again. I held her and she fell back asleep and I waited again. Went and then went to sleep. I felt exhausted and unable to calm my turbulent mind, but sleep kicked in.

They do not need to be overly babied and hugged at every fall or accomplishment they make, in fact it makes them feel singled out and like they are crazy. This was page 85. She also talks against how we treat children like they need to be fixed and how they are is inherently wild, and we label them as "mischievous" or "bad" when they misbehave. The Yequana believed in children being innate sociable, and never assumed that they had a bad intention for things. Therefore, the kids lived up to their expectations because people automatically assume a role people give them. They have much less accidents than in our society, because we train our kids to be clumsy by not trusting their innate survival instincts. Page 84-87. Also, the Yequana people never enforced their will on another, and respected their children's dignity by not forcing them to do things they did not want to. My mother used to force me to do things, like sweep the floor when I was 5, and I always said I didn't want to and felt like she was torturing me. The reason was because I needed love and care from my mother which I never got. I know innately that it is not right to force kids when they say no. We have to see them and work with them, to get them to want to participate. They also need to be able to run around freely, because their continuum tells them they need movement and new experiences. When it is too dull they feel stifled in their experience and get stressed.

I loved watching my daughter start twirling to music, she loves to dance. It shows me that she is a small human that comprehends things. I am going to try to stop babying her so much by talking gibberish to her and over-kissing her. If I want her to grow up I need to treat her that way.