Letter To My Daughter About Hurting Her

My dear little girl, I know you are so innocent but I cannot always see. There are no excuses for the way I hurt you, when I got angry. I do not see a way out sometimes, I feel so lost. When I see you needing me so much, it gets me mad because I feel stuck to give what I don't have. I get triggered because you do not see my needs, and it reminds me of my mother in my past when she didn't see me and made me have to see her needs only.

I don't feel like giving patience and understanding to you because I feel used. Abused and discarded for my own self. Have no sense of self. I take time for myself because it is the only way I feel real, and you need the attention on you. But I just need time. I get so angry at times that I cannot think. I see red inside so I need to run away, because I don't want to react. I am a child inside, that does not know how to be logical. I have no support throughout the day because your father is busy out of the house, and I am stuck managing on my own. I feel I must be a good mother, and give you all you need, but it gets blurry when I don't allow myself to have time for myself. I get angry when you push for my attention all day, and I don't feel like playing. I want to take care of other things, but you come and mess things up with your curiosity. I feel like screaming but I talk to you gently. I feel crazy because of my inability to let myself feel my annoyance. I tell myself that I have to be perfect, and I then blame you for the anger. I am so sorry for blaming you when it is not your fault. You are a child and don't know better than wanting to be included. I need to set firmer limits because I do not want to get angry with you anymore.

It led you to not trusting me to go to sleep soundly, and not feeling safe in my presence so you have to escape by ignoring my eye. And I got angrier that you were not paying attention so I snapped at you and pushed your head to look at me and you screamed mercifully. You began banging yourself back and forth with frustration and anxiety. I felt abandoned and pushed away by you. I felt hurt that you did not trust me. I gave up and let you run freely. I just could not handle you not trusting me. I gave up on myself and just waiting for it to end, for you to get tired enough or for myself to get a grip on my sanity.

Sometimes I feel like you do not know how to show your feelings, and are tightly locked in yourself and cannot trust others. I am scared you will grow up with narcissistic traits, and I blame you for your inability to open up.

And then later you were overtired so I picked you up again, and tried not to run to my phone because I was anxious. You did not look at me again, and kept giggling and avoiding my gaze, so I played along. Finally, I was getting tired of it so I tried to face you again, to see your feelings. You yelled and shook your face back and forth, and said "phone" as if to distract yourself. I grabbed your hands and said firmly, "no" and you freaked. I felt horrible and despicable. I apologized quickly and tried kissing your head but you wouldn't have it. You finally fell asleep and now I do not know what to do with myself. I do not see how my actions show that I love you. I see selfishness and lack of self control in myself. The feeling isolated is really harming me and my ability to function. I am sorry.