Seeing My Inner Fragmented Self

Stared into the picture of a family photo from my childhood. My eyes are half closed and I looked checked out. My father is unsmiling, mother looks perfectly prepped in the middle with her firm maroon lipstick. Can it be that the family I grew up in was borderline-narcissistic, when they were the most well-known kind people in town? It makes sense in how they ignored their adoptive kids feelings because it went against their own.

Now I have a hell of a time struggling with accepting my own when they are not perfect. But I know one thing better than them, that my feelings affect my kid. That I cannot just blame her for my projection of myself when she is not doing what I want her to. I beat myself up yesterday when she did not sleep until 3 am obviously out of stress, and did not give myself leeway that kids are very sensitive and pick up on our every energy. I was so mad that I had to distract myself so as not to punish her for being unable to fall asleep. It was ridiculous and I began crying and screaming my feelings to myself in order to make sense of them. I came up with, I am so angry because it hurts me that she does not trust me enough to let out her feelings, and it makes me feel like an awful person. I feel so angry at myself that I get angry at her. I can't look at her because I am so hurt. But it is not her fault, it is only because I feel unable to see her pain because I feel like I cannot love. It is coming from not being able to love myself. I was frustrated because she was withdrawing her trust in me and not able to show her vulnerability. I cannot do this anymore, it is too painful to see how I am ignoring her. I begged and cried to her to forgive me, but something in me was blocking me from accepting forgiveness. I felt like I was too flawed.

My husband woke up, and told me I was wrong to be so hard on myself. That she loved me and I couldn't see it. I said right she cannot see it because I am not fully there for her. He argued that I was wrong, and I said Can't you see, I really am awful because I am doing to her what was done to me by ignoring her feelings? This is reality. I keep running from it, but it is always there waiting for me no matter how much I pretend that I am fine. I am not fine, and inside I am so broken. He wanted me to calm down and realize that I was being too harsh with myself, but it was only the truth. I said she does not feel seen. He said do what you need to to see her, so I looked at her and tried to see her innocence. I said I was sorry and held her. She burst into bitter tears, and my inner damm broke and I saw that she was real and pitied her.

I was seeing my own pain reflected in her, and it made me validate it. It is there, even if we are not showing it and SEEM fine. Knowing she was sad inside even though she looked normal before she opened up validated my own pain, because it showed that pain can be skin deep and hidden.

People around us don't want us to see our inner wounds because they don't, but that doesn't make it go away. We are responsible to see it, because otherwise it will affect how we see others. We are here to fix ourselves, as Teal Swan says in her latest video, and not anyone else. The more we see that the more we can heal. Also, the more I heal the more I can see my daughter's needs. I can give to others what I never got when I was little. And then I will truly be happy.