Shot In the Back By My Own Kind

It is effffed up. I try so hard to live for myself and get smacked down by the people who are supposed to love me over and over. I am too innocent and think they must be what they seem. Why am I like this.

I went to a store to get electrolysis for my much needed mustache, and a woman working there of I will not say what ethnicity out of respect, totally looked past me and seemed to abhor me by my look. I asked politely for what I wanted, and she said briskly that I can come back in 20 minutes as the woman was busy. I asked for an eyebrow waxing in the meantime, figuring it would take up some of the time. She directed me to which room and then came in to do it. Mu daughter was screaming when I tried to put her down, and she was nice about it saying she could be on my stomach while she worked. I thanked her and explained that my daughter was tired. She cooed at her saying "Mommy is beautiful," and I was grateful. Then she asked me if I was here for a wedding, and I said no I live here. She said, "Really I never saw anyone looking like that here." Indicating my head wrap. I felt embarrassed and flustered and tried to explain where I lived and where I bought it, even saying that there is a group of people who started the organization to sell them, and they are having an event tonight. She said, mhm, uninterested. And asked me where it was being held. I told her. And then thanked her and said I'd be back for my electrolysis. I came back ten minutes later, and noticed that the women that had come after me she had allowed before me. I asked her about my electrolysis, and noticed her casual look and she said "I'm sorry we got busy and backed up." I knew it had to do with me not being one of her regulars, and I felt the familiar sense of betrayal and non-belonging.

Do I do it to myself? This time, I chose not to look like the others, to follow my own inner will. To dress and wear things differently. To not fall for any random flattery and stand my ground. I have my own sense of identity. I hold in my diet of not eating everything in sight that I want, and focus on what will help me grow. I feel alive and yet alone. See through people and have clear boundaries.

"Too sensitive." Is me.

Now I lost it. She fakely said maybe you'll come back another time? I snapped at her in front of the other women she had flattered, "You know what don't do me any favors." She non surprisedly said Okay and I KNEW she saw I was annoyed. The minute you expose these people you see their true colors. She didn't give a darn about me, all because I was not like her kind.

I guess what I learn from this is I must keep going, and that when I do my own thing the people who don't resonate back off. They know they won't get anything they want from me. I try to be true to my truth and they don't know what it is and the unknown scares them. The only ones who hate truth are those living a lie.

Gotta keep going. I am happy and see the light. I know there are people like me, open and non-judgemental. Accepting the person for the soul and not the status. People who care about their inside and match the outside to it. Not faking one thing and feeling another. Having cognitive dissonance. I need to find my normal my soul is dying for it.

As I'm writing this in a overly priced cafe, where I'm drinking a coffee and my daughter is free to run where she wants and she enjoys herself, a fancy painted-faced woman sits by me and says, "I don't mean to offend you.." I go in my head, oh no not again... And she says something very illegible to understand, something about how my daughter is running around and I should enjoy these moments because she has many children and grandchildren, and she fears my daughter will get hurt....  All suggestively and beating around a bush. I look at her straight in the eye, feeling naked, and said I did things differently and parent different than most people. I saw her brain turning and she asked how. I explained about not wanting her to feel constricted and wanting her to develop confidently that she can do things. I knew it was offensive, but tried to say it nicely and strongly. I felt defensive and tried not to. She was not as strong as me. She smiled fakely, and said that's good but.... And went on again about how I should enjoy these times and that she was just concerned how I was "letting her run around and she might get hurt." I said thanks, and I will enjoy her. She understood the conversation was over, and went away. When I got up to leave and gather my heavy bags, she watched me. I shrugged it off and walked out without caring at all what anyone thought. It felt good. I know my way is right for me and it feels so good.

I know although I don't always see it that my efforts are marked. I feel that my toddler is happy with her own identity. She cries unrestrictedly sometimes. She comes to me and kisses me when she is very tired. She doesn't just trust everyone and watches people. I say what I mean and mean what I say most times.