Stepping Down Into the Gritty Pain

It seems I am very good an expert at disassociating myself from my pain. I look at my life as having not been all that bad as it was, because I am used to not facing the truth. So it is really hard for me to accept that I went through x, y, and z. Such as my family never seeing my pain - I am accustomed to just feeling self-shame for it.

Now I am waking up to reality that it was done TO me. No matter how much I tooted the victim role, I never FELT bad for myself. So now I am becoming more "one" with it and it is exciting and scary. Seeing how I am truly here and have control of my life and am not just living in some kind of cloud of indignation. That is why I am seeing my daughter's pain more and feeling like I should be there more. Because I can see outwardly more.

The adoption meeting today wasn't the best, I was in a lot of pain and self-hurt due to all the covert abuse from my bio relatives and ignorance of my adoptive family... Feeling like I had so much weight on me to heal... And nobody truly told me I had a right to my pain and it just felt like we were all in hell together, having to fuze our way out alone. Alone in the harsh world of what happens with adoption and grief from it. I left with a better than usual outlook, though, not totally lost and in another dimension. This time I was more on the ground and facing it. That's the way to heal as Teal Swan said in Blowing the Whistle on Spiritual Teachers, Gurus etc. That they often teach in the 11th dimension and ignore their human emotions, because human emotions and needs are "unspiritual" supposedly. This is what my birth sister does. I was also very happy and surprised that they instantly understood about my birth father, when I said how he told me he was always happy with his life and that I shouldn't be upset. They also said that when people do that it seems strange to them, how they can ignore the actual pain of the situation. I felt at home but could not verbalize how comfortable I felt. It was bittersweet. The way home was not terrible, my daughter also seemed quite calm for a change, and I wondered if she felt loved by me. Because last night I showed her my true emotions of hell that I was going through. I am starting to see it more.

At home my husband agreed with me that we cannot expect others to validate what we don't validate in ourselves, and that is why the meeting felt a bit awful. He said that G-d wants us to understand that we can only solve things ourselves and not expect others to fix us. Once we know it ourselves, I said, we can acknowledge that we are not in control and accept help from the outside.

But yeah, I definitely have less self blame, and more acceptance of my emotions. It feels miraculous to be this happy with myself, and trusting, that I feel it is effortless to be happy at times and I want everyone to experience it, too. I want to reach out and help others in pain to get out without feeling like it is a burden.

I was just talking to a random person from the adoption support group, and noted that my care was genuine when she told me about her story and I truly wanted to help her. I did not find myself feeling pressured to make her feel good, and understood that my outside was matching my true feelings so it was not self-conscious.