The Deep Stuff and Ancestry DNA

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They don't get it. They don't get the importance of family and the pain of growing up without it and in isolation. Well perhaps they understand pain but not to this extreme. I am seeing that many people freak out from the word adoption like it is some kind of disease. This is interesting to me, because all my life I was taught to think it was such a normal and glorious thing. Welcome to me feeling invisible for my actual feelings.

But I realized that my biological family whom I am discovered bit by bit on ancestry (yay!!!) do not seem to want to talk about adoption. I brought it up to a 3rd cousin stranger in our second email, and he shyed away from it. The first also seemed enthusiastic at first, but then she seemed put off by my eagerness and wore off.

When I excitedly told my in-reunion biological great uncle, saying that perhaps now I can find my biological grandfather, he ignored my messages!! He only replied to a question about his father's brother's name.

I felt deflated. I listened to a new song I found about !! Adoption called I'm Legit by Zara Phillips and it resonated. I saw how my birth and adoptive brother is truly scared of the topic because it brings up pain so he needs to run from it. I understand a little more now, because I am going through the pain more now. Also, I watched the trailer to the documentary on adoption called ROOTS: Unknown, and an adoptee said that he went into searching only for his medical information and to appease his birth parents that he is doing well, but he found that he needed much more. It told him who he was!! Zara Phillips said similar things, that when she found her biological family she opened up to a whole world that she didn't know she had. I feel the same, and I ache for my birth siblings who don't know end to their suffering.

At least if I know why I am in pain I can feel like there is hope for a change. I surrender to the situation and don't feel lost in the doom. I know it is only temporary, and I will find my way soon. Even just knowing that I am in pain for a reason makes it easier to take. As Gabor Mate says, when you know there is a wound you can heal it. Instead of just bandaging it like with temporary relief.

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