When the Logic Abuses The Emotional body

We are the ones. Trying to connect the body with the spirit. Not just living for the logic. We have come to connect our animalistic sides with our spiritual. As animalistic as you can get. We have heard it all.

"Don't let yourself wallow in your feelings."
"Think about the right thing to do."
"Set your emotions aside and listen to your mind."

I see thousands of years swimming in front of me, of the pain of what all these words mean to me. It means ignoring my body. Ignoring me! Cutting me violently from who I am. All in the sake of rightness. It hurts so bad I can barely breathe. I am crying now, gasping for life. My very soul is being eaten away by cruel spiritual teachers and bypasses.

All I ever wanted was to feel whole. But I am fractured and torn into a million pieces. I can't gather myself. It is all shrouded by have tos and shoulds. Who I am does not fit the bill. The societal expectations. Heck,  the only one who loved me's expectations. I am swimming in complex post traumatic stress disorder. I can't see the present, all these ancient feelings are dusting my eyes. I am stuck!!! I can't get out!!!

I have all these ideals and expectations of myself. I have to be perfect, I can't have a husband like that. I can't voice my feelings, others can't take them. I can't dress how I want, others will hate me. I have my strong ideas of how I want to dress, and I believe in them but now my husband tells me I am lying to myself. The pain cut into me like a knife, and now I don't know where to run. I wanted to leave him right then and there, all my attachment to him severed. It hurt so much, and nobody was there.

I need to understand myself. I need a place for myself. This world is starting to look stranger and stranger, and I now don't belong anywhere. It hurt so much when I had to cut myself off from my husband, because he was not seeing ME. But that part of me needs to be seen, it is important.

They never saw the adoption feelings... It overrides my life. When I can voice my feelings, I move from victim to a threat. They want me dead. But I know myself. I can stand up tall. Who am I? I need to believe in me. Otherwise, my subconscious pain and hate override my actions, forcing me into isolation. So he doesn't understand me, but maybe I can explain. Maybe that doesn't mean I will die? But I will, if I don't stand up for myself strong. For that baby child, who was never seen. This is the only way my child will get seen, if I show her that I can see myself.

Be strong in my voice, and not wishy-washy- one day belief, the other uncertainty. I already know that the truest beliefs I have will manifest in my life concretely. After all, I manifested a true friend who wraps scarves on her head like me. Do I believe in myself enough to go through with it? So I fall sometimes, but do I have it in me? Not to turn out like a neglected old troll, dying with maggots eating her flesh alive. I saw a story like that in the news, and it opened me to see what can happen to someone if they don't believe in their self.

When will I be free to speak what is in my heart with no resistance? When will my emotions be a part of myself, without resistance to it? Without self-hate and self-abandonment. Without forcing my logic onto my physical body without it's consent. When????