Baby's Bond With Mother From Gestation

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It's nice to read in The Primal Wound that a baby has a bond with its mother that develops way before birth, and continues after birth. That is why disrupting their bond by relinquishment has devastating effects on both the mother and baby, and it is likely that they will never fully recover. The baby will never be able to bond with the adoptive mother in the same way, and will likely only attach for survival. This is definitely what happened in my case. I never bonded with my adoptive mother and have no memories of emotional trust in her. I only acted as I was expected and said all the right things but never felt it. I went to her when I needed comfort when I was scared, but that could have been appeased by any adult figure as evident by how I called my friend's mother Mommy.

I thought of how adoptees miss the first stage of bonding with their mother, they cannot get to the next stage of life- being their own self. They will constantly try to gain mother approval for who they are. I obsessed over it, telling or questioning my husband, how can I be expected to be whole after I was passed around like a sea creature to different "mothers"? How can our families think that I do not care about my birth family at all? That I fit okay with the replacement parents? Without step one, how can I get to step two. Living a fulfilling life.

Whenever I am scared my daughter does not feel love for me, I have to remember that she loves me unconditional because I was always there. Someone in the adoption support group told me that, when I wrote the trouble I was having with her and uncertainty of feeling our bond. I feel really upset that I missed out on this myself. I love seeing how she needs me and looks up to me, like when I read her books and she points at the page and waits for me to read it. Or how she loved seeing me pretend fall off the couch because she had fallen off, and kept pushing me off. Or when she closes herself in a room and cries until I open it and then laughs because she likes recreating feeling "scared" and found. Or when she shrieks whenever I close the bathroom door, because it triggers her memories of me being angry so closing myself in a room. It all shows that she needs me. She also only played in the park when I was involved, and I just didn't feel like it today so we went home. I also wonder if grownups are supposed to play with kids, or just let them be like in The Continuum Concept. Will it be too babying for us to run around with them- reinforcing them always having their way? I sometimes feel unsure of how I should treat her, if I am too nice or not doing enough. I think boundaries are important because then I know if I am doing it for myself and her or only for her. When it is for both of us I am more relaxed and less confused.

I was annoyed at how people expect me to have a bond with my adoptive family when it is NOT the same as with birth family. I felt horrid today seeing a picture of my adoptive sister and first cousins in an album, all smiling and belonging together. They have same skin and hair color, teeth and way of thinking. I am totally out of the picture- thankfully I wasn't there- I know they are better without me. It is genuine cousinly love, not forced and off. No matter what anyone says, I never felt like I belonged or had bonds with my adoptive parents. I am glad to finally know this consciously, because it is the truth.

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