Cloud of Pain Hate

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A heaviness is set over me. There is nothing in the world that can save me. Yesterday I got a massive headache and had to stop running. To distract myself. I felt a cloud of guilt sinking on me for ignoring my daughter while I did things I wanted. All in the name of being religious. I have no clue why I'm doing anything. There is no proof in it that I can see with my own eyes, just proof that they tell me that is irrefutable. So I feel awful that I have no strength to be stronger. I feel the pain of my daughter so acutely and then become furious at myself. But there is no one backing me. So I am alone.

I cried to myself and felt like a pathetic loser. Hated myself for my weakness. My neediness. It hurt so much to pierce myself with so many knives inside. But since no body validated it it had to be fabricated in my mind. So I pushed further from the truth and beat myself up. I felt I had to be there for my daughter and I was selfish. Hated my husband for seeming like the behaving one. The one who didn't have to face what I did. Who could go to sleep while I struggled, on his phone for hours. Got angry when I asked him why. Said he did help. He did feel pain. Yeah right. Got to do what he wanted while I had to cook and ignore my daughter. Because this world does not make it easy for babies to feel worthy. To help and join in. I am done. So I cried while my head pounded and my toddler jumped around not sleeping till 2 a.m. I felt all the disgusting, unneeded food I had eaten while trying to run away gassy in my stomach. I felt ill. I grabbed a basin. Threw it down. Threw up into it a minute later. Disgusting nausea. I vowed to not give into my indulgence and eat only what was needed the next day. I was disgusted at myself that I could not. Went to the bathroom and threw up in the toilet, germs abound. Maybe I'll feel better now. I sat in my bed and wondered how much I would have to cry. Tried to stay present and stop with the logic brain. Felt helpless and alone. Knew that it would not help. Tried to grasp for belief in something. At least it'll be over tomorrow. Selfish. All my life I have been called that.

Woke up with same headache. Took Tylenol. Saw the angry rebellious youth who left the religion. They all had points. I am just as angry as them. So why did I not change my outside as drastically as them? Who am I? A false religious freak? When will this world integrate to accept all sides? Beep.

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