Finding Myself

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Today I figured out a big issue between my husband and I. I was listening to CelticCounseling last night, Understanding Intimacy: Replenishing our Chalice, and she spoke about how adoptees view their sexuality. She said that since we were shamed for being ourselves, we don't accept our sexuality as is and either see it as too not there or too high need. She said we have the ability to replenish our true selves, by discovering the one or few times we felt at oneness with ourselves in childhood. I enjoy how she goes into childhood to heal all problems in life,  as I agree that that is where they come from.

Anyway, I project my own inability to see myself in a healthy way onto my husband, and he the same with me, so we are both too hesitant to truly let down our guards.

I glimpsed a bit about owning who I am, in talking to him about my pain and how I feel. About being unworthy of being a human being, and trying to shut myself out from others and then from him as well. It makes sense because I am fragile, as the adoptee group on Facebook talks about. How we ghost people the minute we don't like one thing they did or said.

I appreciate that I am trying, every day is a struggle. Trying to see myself. I appreciated what I saw that Teal Swan said on instagram- that when you live committed to your joy, you are really living. I agree and it's not selfish to live listening to you.

I saw that although I take time to myself a bit, my daughter doesn't repress everything she feels. For example, after my husband and I fought a bit today because I tried to get to the bottom of what annoyed me about how he saw me, she cried a lot very sadly, because she had no choice as I was holding her to go to sleep. I didn't react much tried to stay objective. It was painful to see her cry so dejectedly.

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