Hope

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I spoke to my favorite Rabbi this morning and told him what I am going through. It was my first time talking to him and I was so nervous, but he understood everything pretty much. He reassured me and told me to focus on my health, staying away from toxic people. It made me realize that my family now matters the most, and I was worrying about things that would not help such as wanting to be more religious. He said it will come and God has lots of patience. He heard about my adoption and I told him how I was able to do so much healing by meeting my birth parents. He said I should follow my heart. I felt his respect for me and it was comforting. He told me to move away from the community I was in now because it way to black and white, and find a place that I was comfortable to be myself in. It's true and I hate when people stare at me not understanding me. I appreciated how he said I had the power to raise my family and find a purpose for myself in it. He said it was important for me to be in touch with a religious mentor and guide locally, to help when I get confused about myself. The adoption experts could not help me fully. He understood my pain and highs, having had them too before he became religious. He said focus on the now and mental health. God will send a help if you pray for it.  I am happy that someone told me I can focus on myself. I feel validated. If I can See the future I will be able to get there.

I was terrified yesterday that my daughter was traumatized by her birth and couldn't face me, but I can work through this with her I see because I let her be herself. She tantrums and is herself. It was so cute how yesterday she refused to take off her shirt but wanted to come shower with me, so I took her in with it. She is stubborn and still didn't take it off even after we came to the room. My husband managed to coax her by being silly about it, but I think it was her way of holding on to her pride. Because we couldn't eat supper without her waking up.

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