I'm Lost and Confused

Why do I keep trying to get validation from the last person who could do it?
It's insane.

I went to a cousin to eat the for holiday because they invited us and I got lazy. It was okay and I talked openly about trauma and adoption. Even though they are generally very crowd following, they listened and had to admit I was right. She is a fixer, so was trying to get me to see that "people still have issues with their biological children - don't forget." I felt like she wanted to make me do spiritual bypassing and not focus on my feelings. She said herself that she is very logical and has a hard time connecting her heart to her logic. She even asked how to do it, a standard tool to move up the spiritual latter. To learn to feel your emotions. I carried on but I felt energetically drained and left feeling like there was so much more I needed to say to convince them. It is not good to have to convince people your emotions are valid, but I have been doing it my whole life so it's a kicker. She even said, "So your problem is repression because you have been doing it all your whole life." That was nice. She refused to see that her family /mine was too stuck together and scared of moving without one another. She said they just had a problem with feelings. They agreed with The Continuum Concept,  it was a breathe of fresh air to hear that a baby's feelings affect their entire emotional development... But again it seemed too new to them. I explained to them the importance of a parent loving their child's feelings even of anger and pain in order for the child to feel loved. It is the responsibility of all our communities issues with rebellious teens.

Anyway, last night I was feeling on high because of our growth and happiness and tried to feel liberated but it was hard with my daughter's distractions. I was thinking of the importance of loving everyone, even the "bad" people, because we are all important and have a part of each other in us all. I felt annoyed. I went to sleep and dreamed of getting validation from the old ex friend I had a long suffering relationship with when I was 18. I woke up with a revelation that perhaps if I patched things up with her I would be able to have a true friend. I was excited all day with the thought. I knew we were different, with her having a toughness to her and me being sensitive, and we were both stubborn as anything. It ended traumatically, with her and I admitting that we both felt our lives were hurt terribly because we relied on one another too much. I thought, maybe I was pushing her away and needed to learn to accept her better, and then feel whole... But alas she is the narcissistic she was famed for 6 years ago in my mind.

The answer I got from her was bitter and hateful and passive aggressive and narcissistic. I was shocked and let down. She asked what did I want from her, brashly. I said I wanted to understand myself better and gain an understanding friend. She took pleasure in knocking me down, and accusing my intentions and them ended by calling out my parenting as too unhealthily attached, when she did not know me at all. To top it off, she claimed to be over our fight and have no care about me, when she herself reached out 6 times until I had to block her. She also claimed to never have has close feelings towards me. She claimed I was projecting onto her that she was hurt from me, as she did not care at all about me. Her bitterness and spite said differently. She only reached out because she wanted to be there because she saw my Facebook post about being in pain. She was projecting her own negative hostility on me, and I ended by telling her to please stay out of my business and she was obviously not what I was looking for in a friend. I even told her how does it feel to hate yourself and she acted like I was the crazy one. She did not change one bit from the psychopath she was. I truly wonder how she lives. She claims she divorced her husband because he was addicted to drugs and irreligious, but other reasons would make sense too. She told me I need help and to get it, and it was just so disrespectful and spiteful I knew it was not well-intentioned. I was shocked.

Anyway, now I am stuck in the same place I started, with no close friends. I told her I was looking for a mutual, emotionally validating and open friendship, when she demanded what I wanted. I should have shut up then and there. What a turd. Too innocent I know. I hate those kind of people that talk behind your back and bad mouth whatever you do. And she associates with them- including my adoptive sister. I am proud of myself for being so strong.

When a person does not understand you and sees something totally different in you than how you truly feel to be it is a red flag. I miss the red flags because I am too naive at times.