My Daughter's Primal Wound Activating My Own

A toddler cannot feel truly loved unless we see all of his emotions and understand them. I saw a quote in Sam Vaknin's website about how a parent's job is to be the higher voice of reason to the child's emotions, and teach him how to regulate them. If the parents do not do this, the child will have to develop the higher self on his own and it will be ever harder without the modeling of how to do so. This is what I have been having such trouble doing for my girl today. She was tantruming really bad last night, and I looked at her in the eye after much trouble getting her to rest as usual, and at 2 a.m. she screamed and screamed and I made myself listen. Blocked out any of my own inability to see it.

As I was watching a YouTube video about an adoptive mother describing her adopted son's inability to feel love, and it coming from physical brain wiring that no one can deny. No matter how much they want their child not to have these problems. And I thought about my own daughter and how she gets hypervigilant herself every time I try to look at her. I plea with her to feel my love, but her primal wounding of birth trauma makes it impossible. I find it extremely hard to face her pain and want her to "recover." Just like those adoptive moms who want to believe, are desperate to believe, that their children love and feel loved. We have to look at our blocks to facing the pain of reality. We need to truly see our kids if we want them to feel understood. To be understood is the true way to be loved.

So after that episode last night, she was feeling able to be herself and tantrum in front of me. I realized what a service I was doing, but how truly needed it was so I could not even feel proud for it. If I truly loved her I would have to. I grimaced and felt myself wanting to flee, but I showed it to her and let my pain be felt. She appreciated it. She even cried again this early morning, stamping her feel and screaming and throwing herself down. I just watched patiently. This is what true love is- letting them know you are there.

This afternoon was a storm. She was unhappy about my husband and I going out and her feeling forced to stay in the stroller for the full 2 hours. She had to get her feelings out but she didn't trust me as much. She was too hurt and felt constrained. I felt awful but did not know how to speak to her. I had needed the time for myself. I understood how adoptive moms felt again. Needed their child to be something for them to feel good. Selfish. I beat myself up inside. She finally shrieked and I listened. But it wasn't enough. I felt like a small child inside, all my needs being repressed and backed into a corner. I wanted to destroy things in my anger. I told my husband when he saw what I was like and he validated me. I paced the house and ate chocolate. I fought with myself inside. Finally I remembered to let myself feel my emotions, and not judge myself. That was my worst enemy- myself. I cried sadly and waited for it to end. Finally, she let me put her to sleep. I now know that the only way I'll be able to truly see other's pain and help them through is if I see my own. I see that whenever I try to shut down other people's feelings, it is because I haven't let myself feel them myself.

Gotta let all the feelings exist, even the ugliest ones. Nobody can be happy all the time, it is fake as Richard Grannon says.