New Friend and Subconscious Wills

Yesterday was interesting. I decided to meet a new friend I had made, a sweet quiet girl that reminded me so much of myself that it was narcissistic supply that made me ask her if she wanted to hang out. She gave me her number and seemed interested in friends as well. She texted me recently about going to a speech together, and I readily agreed. I just had to leave my daughter at home in order to be have time on my own to get to know her. So I took my daughter and told her what was going to happen. That I was leaving, and I would be back soon, that I was going to a speech. I was very soothing, and she cried hysterically but ten minutes later she understood. I felt my heart breaking and I wondered how my mother could have left her children. Or any birth mother for the matter. I felt her pain and let her know that I understood. I had a horrible day yesterday as is, struggling with self-hate and low self-esteem. I realized it was real and I needed to pay attention to the feelings. The adoptee support on Facebook group helped me feel better about having it by their understanding. One even said this was great of me to be able to validate my feelings. I replied that it felt like I was facing my reality more, and she congratulated me and was genuinely proud for me. I felt like I was not alone.

So I was thinking that here I was, understanding how my daughter felt about me leaving. It was excruciating because she had no way of controlling when I was coming back, so I eased her discomfort by telling her. I figured she could understand. And she did. At first she cried when I walked away, and she kept hugging me and asking for hugs. Then I left for good and she shrieked. My heart tore up. I kept going, and texted my husband the entire time about what she was doing. He was also not sure it was the best idea because of how she was, but she calmed down shortly and wanted to go out. She was happiest outside. It was a relief for me to get away, but also terrifying. I felt very bad about the whole thing like I was traumatizing her. I told myself she knew I would be back, and this was good for her building trust in herself to be okay without me. I still felt like half of me was missing. I tried to enjoy myself but I was worried. I lightened a bit when I spoke to my new friend, and learned a lot from her. She was so sincere and calm about life. She didn't talk so much, just answering thoughtfully... She was newly religious, had wanted to find truth. It resonated with me. I tried not to be too desperate and just carried on the conversation with my true thoughts. It felt new to me, and I was awkward and uncertain at times. She smiled kindly and didn't seem perturbed. I was so happy but also nervous. I wondered if I was coming across as narcissistic or selfish, but I quieted my thoughts and let myself say what I wanted. We ended because her son needed to go to sleep, and promised to meet again. I couldn't help feeling weird for being so formal, but I did not know how to be natural. I told her about my adoption and she agreed that that would make me feel confused about my belonging. It was normal for me to feel weird about myself then. It was interesting how being with truthful people brought that out. I was no longer trying to hide and be defensive, so I did not know how to be.

I was cursing myself not to mess it up, but I relaxed when I realized that I had nothing to lose. I could only be myself and see what she thinks. I would be more on alert to make sure she is not just pitying me and really does enjoy my company. Don't wanna waste anyone's time.

Anyway, Richard Grannon said yesterday in his live chat on YouTube which I loved, that when you heal you get to trust your intuition again about people and get yourself moving forward healthily. I am happy to note that I am trying that now. He also said in another video about food diets, that the subconscious desires will always win so the only way to change your diet is to fit it with your subconscious and eat healthy but also normally. Not to go overboard, because that won't last. Only plan a diet of what you realistically can see yourself eating for 6 months. This is true to anything in life, you can't do things consciously if your subconscious has different desires because it won't last and ultimately the subconscious takes over. That is why pretending I am someone I am not will not get me anywhere.

I am hoping to gain a better perspective of who I am and be true to myself. As my new friend said, her husband only does things he can with his whole heart because otherwise it will not be worthwhile. I agree.