Owning Your Feelings so as Not to Project it

When people don't take responsibility for their own feelings they project it onto others. Narcissists do this. I thought I had to save the narcissistic people I broke up with in friendship so I tried reconciling, but one wouldn't take responsibility for her bitter feelings so projected onto me that I am crazy, and the other wouldn't own her guilt in hurting me so she blocked me. They are both so wounded like a child, as Richard Grannon says in video about empathy for the narcissist, the narcissists are stuck in a grown up body. They expect kindness and love without ever showing appreciation, just wanting more and more. Therefore, as someone said in the comment section, giving and trying to have empathy for them would be harming yourself. Grannon said it would be arrogant to assume that you have the capacity to have all the empathy for them that they need.

I was trying to gain validation for my hurts without seeing it. Of course they both had none for me so they cut me off. It is just amazing to see how they expected me to contact them, both questioning where I was all these years, as if I was not permitted my space. I slammed back at them that I owed them no explanation, which apparently hurt them. I was reactive and taking their inconsideration to heart. One even told me I need major help and therapy, apparently because I told her I wanted friends and was seeking to connect. This is extremely rude and judgemental of her. I guess I have the same part of narcissistic wound inside because I took their accusations personal.

If people do not own their feelings they will project it on others. Teal Swan talks about the importance of owning every single feeling we have inside, in order to integrate ourselves towards wholeness. That way, we won't reject others in the outside world who remind us of our parts inside that we refuse to own. I agree, that the world needs oneness and feeling like every person has a right to exist, even those who represent hateful and negative emotions. I am not ready to accept those people, they bring me down by their put-downs and verbal abuse when I am not perfect. They expect me to be and only see people as either idealized or worthless nobodies.

It's funny, Richard Grannon said that the narcissist often suffered from their parents raising them in black and white views, that they were either superior and perfection or worthless stupid people not deserving of life. Therefore they grew up wounded without a healthy self. They hate themselves when they are not great, as their parents taught them. I am thankful to have developed a bit healthier sense of self, not totally feeling unworthy for not being perfect.... But I struggle with similar problems of perfectionism. I have a hard time seeing my worth. I saw in home videos that I was always off on the sidelines, trying to get seen. My face worried and scrunched up with uncertainty. I watched people a lot, trying to fit in. I grew up and rebelled a bit, so sustained my identity being a scapegoat, knowing my place was in being spoiled and reactive. Children really grow up to mold what is expected of them. My whole family treated children like they were toys of entertainment, not allowed to sulk or express sadness. When I did I was told off or ignored, seen as selfish and uncooperative. That was how feelings were shut down at an early age. I wish I can help people who have the same issues with feelings, but I need to help myself truly.

My daughter had fun today when I let her do her own thing. She ran off and played by herself, with confidence. I did not project my expectations of how she should behave, and on the train she spoke jovially, making people smile at her confidence.

I need to be able to have boundaries so I can accept everyone. If they infringe on my boundaries I may come to hating them, so it is not worth it.