Pushing Myself till I have No Identity in PTSD

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I realized that I have not been seeing my pain enough lately. The grief that comes with adoption is sometimes so missed that it is hard to truly feel. Because everyone around me denies it I have to constantly remind myself it is there. Or else I look crazy because my inside has discrepancy with reality. I was so angry that my husband didn't even see my pain. I was even threatening suicide and he did not make a big deal and then finally when I asked him why not he said shyly, "I see you're spiraling. Want to share what's wrong?" I angrily slammed no.

The thing for me was my daughter not cooperating and begging for attention when I had no patience.
I push myself to do everything until my inner self freaks out and feels forgotten. My husband does the same which is why he was triggered by my suicide notions because he told me he cannot go there himself.

So I felt justified in getting myself ice cream and sinking to my level inside. I finally felt real. I saw that it would not destroy my daughter to do for myself a bit. I barely slept and then let her cry instead of feeding all morning to sleep more. She shrieked indignantly, but was more refreshed than ever when she woke up. It is a miracle what can happen when you let a child be and focus on yourself.

Sometimes you need to be real in order to truly live. It is not worth your stress to judge yourself. My judgement comes from years of being denied my rights to grieve my loss to adoption. As Ollie Mathews told me, who you are is right in front of you but they don't let you see it. They wanted me to be a picture perfect child even though I was stolen from my true parents. I also found Anne Hefronn on Instagram who is one of the biggest adoptee advocates. I love her quotes, such as about how we need to talk about our story not to convince others, but to heal ourselves through the words, it is our right.

I see that I can stand up for my needs even when my daughter cries when I see that I matter and am important. She cries but she can handle it when I understand her too.

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