Seeing Other People as Real

People are all part of one another. I saw this today. I woke up in confusion after strange dreams. I tried to find truth in a Youtuber, Cody K, exposing the popular Youtubers for their craziness. I laughed a lot and felt relieved. But then I saw that he was stuck in lies too, in how he seemed to support porn and masterbation. It made me realize that we are all in our own struggles and nobody has full truth. Therefore worshipping others will not help. As Pete Gerlach says, when you heal your true self you promote yourself to "equal" with the rest of the universe. No one escapes unscathed. Everyone has pain. I love this because the narcissist I recently got in touch with told me, "I am not a fake optimistically spiritual person and I see truth for its ugliness as it is," implying that I was one. Her perception is negative and narcissistic because they do not believe in being responsible for their actions, and think the world is out to get them. Victim mentality. It does not get you anywhere though.

So I am happy to realize that I do not have to fall for her craziness and can believe in my truth. Sam Vaknin says in a video that codependents think they can fix the narcissist with their selfish "malignant optimism." Thank G-d I now know that it is not true, and I don't have to fix them. Only myself.

My daughter was running away from me in the street and I was getting impatient. My inner child was angry. I tried having patience but was struggling. I picked her up and she started screaming. I noticed how I was not seeing her needs. I saw a woman staring at me. I snapped. I called "Stop judging me." Like an insane person. She stared at me like I was a fly and responded that she was not even looking at me. I dropped my attitude and mumbled that I was struggling here, and sorry. I scrambled away with shame. I walked back to get my daughter and the carriage, and she obliged to my instruction holding my hand. I felt liberated, but like a fool for voicing my angry thoughts. But the thing was, now I was able to see that other people do matter. And that I was being selfish but it was my inner child. I forgave myself. She may think I'm a weirdo, but hopefully she'll understand. People need to start recognizing that we all are imperfect, and accept one another. I know that if adoptees are more verbal about their needs, others can understand them better, as Anne Heffron says.

I like standing up for myself. In the coffee shop, my daughter started playing with another boy her age. The religious mother exclaimed about it to me, how they want to "be with people their own size and they KNOW it" and I nodded nonchalantly. It is amazing how people see kids as walking monkeys sometimes. I told her that my kid always goes to play with others her age. Suddenly, the mother started cooing annoyingly at her toddler, and he looked visibly perturbed and about to burst into tears. I was shaken, and I told her politely that kids do not want to treated any different than people, and will feel insecure when we coo at them. They want to grow up and feel inferior when others don't let them. She laughed happily and said wow she never thought of it. I felt like a teacher as I explained it more. She gave an excuse that "we don't know these things but are learning it more now." I nodded solemnly and pretended to agree. Inside I was annoyed. I left because I felt awkward. But I was happy that she listened and I realized my distance from the norm.

I guess I carry a self righteousness from years of feeling alienated from others, and now I am becoming more aware that they matter. They are affected by me whether they show it or not. They can laugh and put on shows of being unaware, but everyone sees me deep down. I can chose who to let in.