The Effort Bears Fruit

Had a really rough day yesterday, but today was a wonderfully high day as I found my power back. I went to sleep after listening to Celtic Healing YouTube channel, and she talked about the importance of facing The Primal Wound we experienced in trauma of childhood, and she said a few amazing things. That babies and toddlers age 0-3 are the most crucial age to be treated as the center of a parent's attention and they get traumatized easiest. I needed to hear these things. That when you judge yourself you judge the world, and it comes from not loving yourself. The most important thing she said for me was that your body acts in your favor, so when you see your pain it is because it knows you can handle it.

I was soo down and hard on myself for not giving my baby enough love and attention. I felt guilty and horrid. I was also feeling selfish because I was so focused on making something work for myself, that I could not see anything else... And then I felt that my life was worthless. I fell into a hole of depression. I called my birth father that night and he sounded glad to hear from me, but I could barely muster enthusiasm. I guessed that the adoptee feelings made me disconnected, but I still felt guilty for it. I was sort of disconnected but connected too, like feeling mutual unconditional love but not belonging as well.

I woke up having had strange and happy dreams about myself and others, and I felt this strong generation of self-love. I suddenly saw the world vastly different, and felt wonder. I know it was not my doing, but G-d having mercy on me. I was given another chance. I saw how strong I am, and how my actions of desperation in reaching out to my narcissistic ex-friends was so beneath me and I felt shamed about it. I saw how others could look up to me, and that what I went through was truly a big deal. So it made me different and stronger. I happily started the day listening to a speech about Kaballah and heard that soul's emotional spirit or something is etched in a person's face and gets it's full strength at 12/ 13, and it was what I needed to hear. I acted cheerful with my daughter, trying to restore our bond.

The thing is, I was thinking yesterday how I felt about permanent bonds with my loves. I know that I love my husband and vice-versa permanently, no matter what we do to one another. I know that a sorry is genuine, and we truly are there for one another. I know it in my deepest heart. I know it seems abusive and bad, but it is something I just know is there... And it makes me feel safe with him. Perhaps it is all the times we stayed loyal to each other despite the darkness, maybe it is because our marriage sealed us together as one... We get annoyed, I even hate him at times, but at the end, I love him. Dearly. I have a soft spot for him, because I know him so well. I know his pain, and his good traits. I don't fully understand him, but I like to watch him.

The thing is, I don't feel this way about my daughter. I know in my heart of hearts that I love her painfully. I would do anything for her. But I don't feel the deep trust. I am glad that Celtic Healing spoke about how emotional incest is when a parent needs a child to make him feel better. That is not what I have with her, Thank G-d. I know my place, and that is to be her caregiver and not vice-versa. But I am afraid I fail. I guess she needs it proven to her that I am there, and that feeling will come in time. So I cannot take for granted that we are bonded. I have to keep working at it. And I am okay with that, but it makes me feel unnerved sometimes... Like this delicateness is like handling a bomb. Parenting is hard. It is not a permanent bond, it feels to me more like a work-in-progress bond. This makes me feel like she is unconnected to me, but I want her to feel like her own person so I don't mind. She can come to me whenever she pleases. I believe in the importance of her feeling independent. Like The Continuum Concept.

Anyway, I read that when you have a lot of painful times it means you are getting ready to vibrate on a higher level. I am waiting for it. I feel stuck in this place, as my daughter smartly repeated "Stuck" from earlier today when she could not get out of her stroller when we got home. She started wanting to go in her stroller, climbing into it alone, since Thursday when we were outside playing. So I figured this is a new desire of hers, and think it is her choice. I hope she is not insecure in the carrier about our relationship...gah.

On Sunday, we listened to Mark Smith talk to his mother in chair work, and it made me think a lot. He said how she was selfish and caused her baby to die, and didn't even let him as a 10 year old go to the funeral, after he was the one who diapered and fed her at 2 a.m. It brought up a lot of painful emotions in me. How mothers are so selfish and cruel at times. I was very proud of him for being strong and open about his pain, it showed humility and strength. It made me think of how important mothers are and how much their children are affected by them. But the world hardly sees this, because the job seems so unimportant. A mother is a symbol of love and care of her children, things that seem so baseless but drive all the emotional bases of a person.

When a mother loves her child, nothing and I mean nothing, stands in the way of her protecting him or her. The separation of the two shatters her, and the child will always need their mother. That is why I think my giving to my daughter will not be in vain, and she will always feel it in her adulthood as well. It will not have been futile.