The Pain - Get Triggered with This One

If one more person tells me to be happy... I swear. I woke up upset and annoyed at myself. For everything. For faking it. For not being happy. For doing the wrong things. I was sick of ever thing. Sick of how I waste time. Sick of how I ate too much garbage nastiness that doesn't help me. Sick of lying in bed all morning waiting for my daughter. Sick of not listening to my needs. Sick of being lazy. Sick of having to wait for her and her depending on me. Soon she'll go back to sleep if I get her up now but she refuses to fall back asleep because I am antsy. Why is it all dependent on me? Why can't I be free. Was my birth mom really cruel for selling away her children?

I got up and thought of all the things I needed to do. Did them. Husband was coming home early cuz tired. I listened to sad music. Reminded me of my daughter's early life and staying at my mom's, alone. Fighting. In heaven with the new baby. Isolated. Sad. Bittersweet. I started crying. The pain was engulfing me. I finally felt alive. I cried as I did laundry. My daughter watched with a sad look on her face. I couldn't think about her now. I had to let my feelings flow. My husband came in, and stared at me dismayed. Why are you sad? Screw you I thought. Let me have my feelings stop controlling me. So I cursed at him. I yelled to stop standing there helpless. Leave. He escaped to his room. I cried. Who am I? I had to go out. So I went. I hate how everyone doesn't let my emotions exist. It is probably a trigger from the past. Making me remember feeling alone. How I hated it then. I went to the coffee shop. My daughter knew to let me be. She was quiet. I thanked her. Chatted with the friendly guy. He understood about being adopted. He was intrigued. I loved it like that- making people see me. Some narc supply I suppose. I was strong about my pain saying that being adopted is hell. He agreed. I said even though nobody admits it. He said it's true about your adoptive family wanting to pretend you are theirs and that's it. But wth I have nothing to lose. He encouraged me and I received it. But he tried to get me to be productive and get going to find an answer to our uncertainty. I gave up and left. I felt special and true.

I am allowed my pain. I am allowed to feel good about myself. Thought about the importance of being an empath and feeling my emotions to clear my energy. I called my birth father and he answered sounding all happy. I needed more. He tried to provide security. Told me him and my mother missed me. I felt our connection based on the need of parents to love their children. It was a perfect fit. When he said I sound sad, and I should be happy, I broke down inside and couldn't speak. He was like are you there? And I said in tears yes. He said oh be happy! And I cried and said ok. I gave up. Even he didn't want me to be myself. It was hell. I hung up and cried. Why is my pain not allowed in this world? Why is it so gaslighted? Making me insane? Adoption. Sigh.