Voicing My Needs

I am happy that I am in recovery from my narcissistic ways because I used to feel really trapped and hateful. I no longer crave to be in relationships with narcissists; I know logically that it hurts me so I convinced myself. Even though my brain is truly wired for that kind of relationship. Because I only know myself when I am pleasing others. But I am working at feeling true love and acceptance of myself. I no longer want to go back to my old ways. I have never felt better in my life than I do now. Since I know truth and try to implement it every day, I am seeing tremendous results even though they are not always visible. Such as today, when I was annoyed at myself for not being happy and blamed it on my wasting time this early morning by looking up info on the internet and then waking up with a tired headache, I took my daughter out. Anywhere but here, because my moodiness was rubbing off on her and I feared all kinds of consequences, such as her feeling deficient, unheard, and disoriented. I tried to show her I cared, but she was scattered and repeating nonsense words. So we went for a long walk, and she was with me at heart. Holding my hand, and understanding my silence. She looked around and enjoyed some of my coffee. We went to the library, and I read her a few books. I felt good doing it, but also felt empty still. I let her run around and she escaped to the stairs and I was reprimanded for not "controlling her." I sighed. We both sat down and a girl sitting there doing some art work for the children's library bulletin board was friendly, letting her color. I offered to help, and we started conversing. We had a great time, I felt she was very understanding and open-minded. We exchanged sympathies and laughed together. I enjoyed being open about myself and let myself go of my insecurities and shyness. I was surprised that she was truly interested in me. I saw my cptsd symptoms, and noted hers as well. I realized that when I accepted them and allowed myself to be vulnerable with the right people, they accepted me and relaxed themselves about having to fit a bill. Another woman came up with her baby and I felt her tense and protective barrier. She was curious about us talking, and I included her and she opened up. We spoke warmly, and she even asked about how to get her toddler more independent as she saw I was comfortable with mine running around. Her 14 month old daughter looked anxious and not well attached, as she readily clung to me. I felt bad and tried to encourage her to trust her child and their bond. She was grateful and asked me about joining them for child classes there on Wednesdays. I agreed to try it. How interesting it was that my daughter relaxed when she saw me talking to other women, and I felt calmer, too. Human connection is always essential. It was interesting to note how we all managed to find similarities and support one another. I truly believe that women need to start working together and not in competition with one another. It only brings strife and disconnection.

I see how when I have love and empathy for myself, I can have for others too. I was able to recognize right away which women were hostile despite their loudness, and stayed away from them. Back when I was more fully unaware of my pain and neediness, I would fully project it on others and only feel comfortable with people like me. Now I recognize that everyone has their issues, and we need to be open with one another in order to form true relationships. I am sensitive and passionate, so I need to bring those qualities out when I am with others. I read that adoptees who don't know their pain are the quickest to zap a room of its' energy, by not voicing their needs. I try to voice mine when I meet the right people who are compassionate. I am more careful with who I pick to be open to. Red flags are when women (or men) are more focused on looks or reputation than actually listening and being vulnerable. I encountered some on social media and instantly was repelled by their flamboyant and casual carelessness as they flaunted narcissistic sentiments and behavior. I am realizing that people can truly be clueless and caught up in nonsense and I pity them but know to not befriend them. If they cannot admit weakness and laugh at themselves, they are trying to keep up a false self too hard and will probably be harsh with others as well.

It was really amazing, yesterday Joe Soll answered my email asking for help with adoptee feelings, and he understood me fully. I was able to open up and tell him what I go through, and he encouraged me to read his books and work with my inner child as the work is very scary and takes time. He asked if I had a therapist, and said he could help me with Skype sessions when I replied negative. I am so happy to get support from someone whom understands so much and authored multiple books on adoption. I realized that all I needed all along was to take in the love, and believe in it. It is all right in front of me.