Adoptee Affirmations and Influencing Others in Aware Parenting

I was with my daughter on the way from the park after a long day and she was due for a nap and she was refusing to budge, throwing tantrums when I told her anything. I was exhausted and not interested in waiting, so I sat down and read the affirmation from Joe Soll that said, Nothing bad is happening even though it feels like it, we are going to be okay. He told me to repeat it at least 60 times a day in few hour intervals. I honestly felt like my life was over and I realized it was because of feeling stuck in not getting my way. I did not scream at her and saw that she was innocent. I remembered Teal Swan saying how babies need to see that they are understood and their feelings matter to their parents, or else they feel alone and not able to be themselves. I tried, and told her softly that I saw her pain. And each time I did, she relaxed and came to me for food or a hug. But she still wanted to play, so I figured I'd get comfortable and let her. Until someone bothered us, but they rarely did because I think they got the idea that she was just a baby. People know the truth deep down, and I just have to stick to my beliefs and truth and they either accept it fully or hurry away from me with fear of changing an old way. The more confident I am the better I project it. Joe Soll definitely helped me this morning in our session. More of that later. He let me own my feelings despite my adoptive mother's narcissism. He said I was indeed abused, and many adopters are also called dramatic when they voice their pain. So I listened to an adoptee on YouTube, James Brian, talk about adoption and anger at the system, while I sat down and watched my daughter play on some steps. He said that most in society do not understand, and we need people who have been through adoption to validate us. It was like a big, warm hug. He spoke about how his adoptive family pushed him away and only used him as their child and did not accept him any other way, and he had to move away to preserve his sanity. He said that trusting in a higher power was important to him, because it made him finally feel like he had a place. I feel all the same things. 

I told Joe Soll about how my daughter is her own person, and adoptive parents and society at large use this sentiment to justify adoption as okay and not any worst than raising a child that came from you, because all children are unique despite genetics. He said it's true, but you know that adoption mattered because you know your pain. 

I told him about my anxiety over being late to the session, and fear that it won't go well because he was the first expert therapist in adoption that I had. He asked if I was told I was bad a lot, and I said yes. I was blamed too much for any mistakes I made, and was held to really high standards in life, so I can't trust myself. Religion also took part in that. But I told him that I connected with many aspects of it, such as knowing God was there for me, as he did too, but I was still separated from other humans and felt sad all the time. I said that I felt that who I was was at odds with the world, so I feel selfish for listening to myself now. He said it made sense but it is not selfish, I went through trauma and need help for it. 

A class of little boys were in the park with my daughter and she was playing with them. I looked up and saw one of them hit her stomach a few times. I rushed over in anger and said, don't hit my daughter! And they all ran. One watched me with fear. My daughter did not react at all. I went up to the teacher to tell her, and she sounded horrified and seemed to want to assure me that she would "talk to him." I was so triggered that I didn't care. I thought about how violent kids come from being trained to be aggressive by seeing it done to them. 

She came up to me later, and said how sorry she was and that the boy had issues. I told her it didn't matter, my daughter wasn't hurt, but the boy was troubled. She said what do you mean? I said if he was hitting it showed that he was hurt. She was intrigued, and asked more about it. I explained about the importance of going on the kid's level to understand him. She said wow that is amazing and true, and I must be amazing to my daughter. I said she doesn't hit and only does when I am angry and she sees it. She said all mothers should be like that! She wanted to know what do tell him to listen, and I said just try to talk to him to show you care and that he needs love and not punishment. She loved it, and asked how we can make more people like this. I said, all we can do is do it ourselves and hopefully influence others because there is too much peer pressure. She was like ecstatic and her eyes were shining in wonder. I told her children are not as messed up, and they are closer to truth than us because they do not have as much hurts experienced, and therefore they can trust a little love and we can then learn from them what they need. She said it is true, and as adults we are more damaged. We both smiled and bid each other well, and I felt very empowered and humbled that she would listen to me. 

My daughter eventually came to me out of sheer exhaustion, and went into her stroller easily. The 30 minutes extra of waiting was worth it to empower her freedom. I used to think I had to find a way to convince children to listen, but now I see that it is not "harmful" to our "power" over them to give in and listen. It fosters connection and teaches them to respect themselves. And does not make them think we are weak, but rather considerate of their feelings.