Adoptee Missing In Action, and Having To Know What We Want

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I have seen that it really is a miracle that I am able to be so loving to attentive to my daughter. I stared at the picture of my great great grandmother, one of the only things I have of my actual family, and know how much I missed them. I needed them. And I survived on my own. I was down today, and it took all day to finally allow myself to feel it. I am so used to pushing away and criticizing my feelings, because nobody ever validated them... So no matter how much I think I have what I need, and a handful of people who truly told me they get my pain, the limbic brain withers away at the slightest panic. Today I panicked because of someone blocking me on social media, when I thought I had such a clever remark to them. I came apart in shambles and lost my foundation. I questioned my faith. I kept picking myself up, with evidence of my stance, but still I fell.

So I had to look at pictures and try to do chair work with the people I needed to. I tried. I bawled and begged. I felt lots of compassion from the older one, perhaps because I had limited information about her and her smile looked caring and also my daughter looked like her and was named after her. I told her how happy it made me. I asked her if she thought I was pathetic, as I felt. I knew she had to have known about the baby being given away, because she spoke to my great grandmother every day. It was hush hush though. I felt hurt and depersonalized, and told her so. It was hard be present with both of them as I always disassociate. I feel unfit to have feelings. To my mother I has nothing much to say but then I started bawling. I told her what she did, how she doesn't care, how I have pity for her mainly. But I am also unforgiving of her mostly. I told her I was never happy because of her. That I was not sure of how to be a mother, because of her.

My daughter came wobbling home with my husband, as he had taken her out. My anger had reached its limit when she was not sleeping and I had shaken her a bit. Quickly apologizing and putting her down. We all went out for a small dinner because I wanted to. She would sleep later. I felt like I needed it.

Later I was happier, and lamented how I needed to stop resisting my pain as it only made sense because of how isolated and cut off I am, literally. I keep guilting myself because of spiritual bypassing, and fear of the end.

I am missing in action, and need answers. I stopped and thought about my situation more and if moving was a good idea as I don't know if I am prepared enough for being near my birth mother. I am fragile and not so tough as I thought.

I also was thinking that we can only truly do things sometimes when we actually want to otherwise resistance kicks in. My daughter felt it and didn't go to sleep with me earlier. These days the world is so full of darkness, that the light is barely visible. Therefore, it is more important to chose our intentions, as it will not happen without them. We cannot be happy if we do not try immensely to find it.

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