Aware Parenting: Trusting Children To Be Capable

Kids just want their feelings heard. I was traumatized in the park today when meeting my husband for lunch. There was a child there my daughter's age, and her mother was just being mean to her and telling her "that is not how you do it!" When she was trying to do the monkey bars. I see it everywhere, how kids are just bullied and bossed around by their elders in the name of "respect your elders." Really, it is just an excuse for parents to stay in their childhood mind set of getting their way with "tantrums" of not getting respect. The way the woman yelled at her girl, "Look at Mommy and walk forward!" Was pure abuse. The child was staring away because she was probably disassociated in order to keep her sense of dignity. It is a prison to be in such parent's custody. They don't realize that the way they are acting is out of anger and triggers, and are hurting their children. There is no justification for it, we need to see our kids emotions if we ever want them to listen.

I was thinking about Aware Parenting and how it is child-centered. It is all about how the child feels, and this way is just instinctive relating to children as they are- respectable humans. It promotes their self-esteem and self worth, when we treat them as though their opinions matter. Even though it goes against our own egos sometimes. It is all about seeing the other person for who they are, and not out of our own projections of how we expect kids to behave. Often it is based on our own wounds and how we were treated as children. Such as when a mother says "That is not the right way!" It ruins the child's self-respect and makes them feel bad. It hurt me to see that, I wanted to cry.

Often children misbehave or don't listen because they are not feeling connected to us, as Marion Rose says. They don't want to be "bad," their natural state is actually to be cooperative and loving with us, but not being respected makes them disconnected and hurt. They need more love at this point, and not yelling at. I am happy to say that my daughter does feel connected at times, and wants to help and be there with me. For example the other day she handed me the food when I asked her to, happily. She smiled when I smiled, and it was just a connected moment of pure innocence. I know she was feeling loved. Mainly when she isn't she acts upset and refuses to do what I want. Such as when she throws the food down because she felt encroached by my nervous "feeding" her because I felt she needed to be included.  It frustrates me but I have to pay attention to my own feelings of trauma and feeling unheard before I can respond lovingly and understanding.

I was letting my daughter play on her own and sitting on the sidelines talking to my husband, and saw how she was able to be responsible and happy playing by herself. It was her natural continuum to explore and learn to be on her own. She was happy as can be. Also, on the bus I was acting natural and not giving her attention only when it called for it, and she was happy to look out the window. Children are not sea monkeys meant to entertain us. So often we get nervous that they need to be constantly given attention, but  it is projection. Knowing so will save us the energy of being fake and allow us to be natural with them. Just trust them to be able to watch themselves and they will.

My husband said yesterday that he sometimes acts over-the-top with our toddler because he himself was over-pampered and he thinks she needs it too subconsciously. I do too. It is a trap we fall into because we don't always know how to trust babies to be capable beings sadly.

When we are in touch with our own inner children we can know exactly how they want to be treated and beauty can come out in the relationship by seeing them.