Defective Mirroring of Others on Us

Wow a long weekend/Holiday. I saw first hand how when people are not aware of their issues they project onto you, and do not see you. They see the world like a defective doll, and are replaying scripts of their pasts and treating others like their parents. As Teal Swan talked about in The Defective Doll..

We visited my sister in law, who had a baby. I was excited because I like to help and be there for others. But when we went, she was her usual, over-compensating self. I noticed how she thought others needed to be catered to, and enjoyed filling her role of only listening and not talking too much about herself. It drained me, because I felt her low energy. I tried being there for her as much as I could, but then she said, "Thanks you really helped me." And it all felt like she didn't feel worthy of it and felt the need to praise me. I stumbled that it was my pleasure, and felt her image of me suddenly as a people pleaser as well. I rushed out without offering any more. I felt alone again.

I saw the same behavior in my husband there, too. When he was acting over eager to socialize, but not truly caring. Fake front.

I was grateful for my alone time, and tried to re-energize myself. I realize that she was seeing me like her parents, and they are never satisfied and always want attention. Even on her day, of having her baby the day before and exhausted. She barely even looked at me as she spoke, yet talked as if she was happy to have us, with fake sentiments that did not sound sincere. I feel she is wary of people and entitled to their attention,  without having curiosity about whom they are, like Teal says.

I learned that I have to see my daughter with curiosity too, and not just expect her moods to be a certain way. That is based on my projection. When I was drained and frustrated, I nearly gave up. I left the house and she cried for me. I felt she was too much. I told her, "I don't love you," just to let off some steam. She looked sad and stared ahead. I took her outside in my sling without her shoes. We sat down on a bench, and I told her again that I did not love her, I did not like her. It made me feel better, saying the words I felt inside. She was sad but not surprised it seemed. She whined a bit and I put her a few feet away from me. We sat in solitude, suddenly two separate people. I realized that I had felt codependent with her, and now I was able to let her go. As a mother should. It would be harmful to her to keep thinking I had to be there for her when I could not. She would feel entitled and like I was not truly present. So this way I was present, whether it was upset or not. Eventually, she became animated and played by herself. I thought of how I was entitled to be sad and confused. I felt better and we went home, where I cleaned the house.

I thought about my mother, how she had kids just to fulfill her own needs and never faced it. Therefore, she was not truly happy. Thus it made sense that she did not allow us to face our truth emotions about being adopted and the loss of our family.

Today, a friend I had become acquainted with where I had convinced her about adoption being loss, but I still felt she was too needy, asked me why I had ignored her text. I sensed a red flag again, and told her I did not feel we could help one another. She took it as a major insult, saying I was wrong and hurt so I pushed people away. I repeated again that it was not personal and that it was my needs, and she said repeated that she had truth in what she said. I told her I was sorry she was hurt, but it was not my job to make het feel better. She got angry and said I was projecting, and she was not the emotionally needy one.. It showed me her true colors suddenly. I said namaste. Then she actually went on and said, as if it was her idea, that she sees I need deep relationships and she is not looking for that. I said yes exactly. She said some more unsolicited advice about not wallowing too much in emotions that I become unhealthily attached... And "fly young one." It was weird to me. I ignored. It felt good to listen to my intuition. I feel she was trying to control me, and reminded me so much of my mother. And I do NOT need that in my life now. So there was the projection of other's drama onto you. She broke a boundary with me by not seeing my true needs and I reinforced the boundary by closing the door.

When others can't take emotions and call you "needy," As this woman and my mother do, it is a projection of how they see their own pain. I learned to only be with people who I feel good about myself around. The ones who make me feel like magic. My husband never seems to put me down too much. A new adoptee friend that I talk to gets me fully. I tried to separate myself from my daughter, and see that her pain of my ignoring her a bit was not abandonment as I felt. I also realized that when people call you out for being wrong when you state your true feelings, it is a overstepping of boundaries.