Facing Adoption Is Real

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I was thinking how important it is for me as an adoptee to face my feelings, because they are the core of my being. My identity. Without them, I am untruthful. It is really hard though to face because I am so not used to it. Used to pretending everything is okay. But others sense it too that I am ill. Different. And it is okay as long as I say my needs. I have to be careful around people who make me feel too needy. Such ad majority of our families. Make me feel crazy for being sad. Without sadness there is no full reality. Life cannot always be happy, the shrill sound of my mother when she came by scared my husband. From a distant place in the house, he thought it was my nervous scream that something wrong happened. That is very telling, because her happy scream is over-compensating her pain inside.

So I look to my friends who seem to get it, and are not surprised by my expression of my true feelings. I keep thinking they will leave me, and am surprised again and again when they care. This is healing me, and making the conditioned response trigger of ptsd being unloved go away.

All I can be is myself.

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