Facing The Truth of Adoption Feelings

Teal Swan blew my mind with her synchronization workshop about shame. A woman came up and said how her parents constantly shamed her and made her feel worthless if she didn't work and be productive. Teal said that was the problem of the collective, and it was the reason for her biggest monster. The girl had deep shame for being the way she was, because her parents always put her down for play when she was little so her conscious split in two - fragmented- to what her parents thought and her own feeling of wanting to live. This is what happens when parents shame a child and love them only when they are doing. This is the world's problem not feeling good enough. Therefore everyone is in a rat race to produce. When ever they give in to resting they have guilt because they feel unworthy of doing what they want. When there is resistance, they fight with themselves. It was funny how the girl was "talking" to Teal who represented her fragmented part of what she wanted, and she said "you have to listen... Okay what do you want let's make an agreement. If we do what you want then you'll listen to 'us.'" It was sad and funny because that is the way parents do not know how to be present with their kid and make agreements. But they aren't really there for the kid a lot. That is what I sometimes do with my daughter, till I realize that it is not being connected in the present. Like when she cries and I ignore it because of my own focus on going. Parents need to love their child unconditionally, no matter what they do or don't do. 

Today I actually listened to her when she stubbornly wanted to stay and not go the way I did, and I went into her mind and felt pity for her. I told her I understood but explained how I felt. She cried more but allowed me to pick her up. We went to the store and then to the park too.

Joe Soll, whom I had a session with today, says that people are scared to face adoption for what it is because of the fear of too much pain. So we are strong ones. He also told me my brother's life is his decision as an adult, and I did okay by telling him it is important to face his adoption trauma too. I feel that when people face their own pain, they can help others and see other's pain for what it is, without trying to get them to "not feel so bad.." Saying those things and trying to stop others from feelings is a problem in society, and it's from people being scared to face reality. Teal says that facing reality of your pain is the way to feel better, because you know what you need and once you see the hell you will never be able to go back to unseeing it. But nobody said it was easy. But making you see your pain helps you help others. By being objective and knowing their pain helping them feel valid. Feeling validated is the best feeling.

Joe Soll made me feel it when we spoke, and he truly saw into me. He looked at me and truly saw my pain and told me so, making me cry the first two minutes. I felt whole, and not like I was trying to fit like my other therapists who told me I was too much and adoption was "too dramatically lived up" in the books. I showed them my false self, and I feel so disrespected by them now. When one told me I wasn't being thoughtful enough there, but thought too much out of therapy... Hurt. Joe Soll said you need a therapist who understand the core- adoption! Of course. He said of course I feel misunderstood, and also that my job wasn't to take care of my father as I did all my life. He said imagine this: your parents needed YOU because they couldn't have kids... Not the other way around. You should not have to be "grateful" as they tell you. It was very validating. As I spoke about my life, I told him I feel like I am talking too much. He said "Have you always been told you are wrong?" I nodded, and he said he could tell. It felt like I was coming home, and a relief. To have someone who cared and got it. I told him that I love him, and it felt good to say it cuz it was true. He said I could always email him when I am down and he will answer within 10 hours.

I told Joe Soll that I feel like facing my pain is my only interest in life, and he got it. Don't feel like doing anything else this is my purpose in life. He told me about the airstream -that he was told that adoptees have come to the world in the same airstream to help in that. I finally feel like I am right in my feelings and not crazy. He said it is a crazy situation and the worst thing a person can have happen to them so it's normal to feel crazy. He said that I knew he would get it because I read his book and how he went through it too. I agreed. I appreciate his authenticity. And mine too. I am right to have my feelings and live with them I don't have to block them to please others.