I almost gave up

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I had enough and wondered if this will ever end. I realized that I had been holding onto the illusion that all will be good with my daughter, but it wouldn't if I kept this up. The way she keeps running to me for hug and kiss... Even when I push her away. Yesterday I had freak attack and hated everyone. I sunk so deep and had no hope. I lashed out at people in anger. Such as the woman who thought it entitled to use my daughter's toy just cuz we left it out. I snarled at her to ask next time and she just said okay dubiously and it angered me more. Don't they see me that I am in pain? They just don't seem to care. Two of them ignored their screaming babies in the street, just walking casually. So why did I have to be perfect?

So I wasn't. And I yelled at her to leave me alone. And she shrieked and kept coming back. Angering me more. No one was there for me.

It started when she wouldn't take off her shirt when she had to two nights ago. Then she didn't sleep and I was stressed. I kept pushing my feelings away. So I lost it. I grabbed her shirt off and she was shrieking in protest. I felt awful and was mad at her for causing it.

I reached out for my husband and he said he was coming home. When he did his fear of my mood angered me so I ate five cookies and left with my daughter. I reached out to another person , and she was very forthcoming. My biological cousin also listened to my rant about how my adoptive family treated me. I sensed that she resented them too. But she couldn't be there fully cuz she had her own stuff. I sensed she needed more help.

This morning, I got messages from another adoptee that touched me. She truly got me. Only the ones who go through it understand. I vowed to only talk about it with those who get it and show care. I need relationships that go both ways and not only take my whining, or expect me to conform to them.

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