It Hurts in all My Bones

Joe Soll my therapist for adoption told me, why don't I tell my birth mother that I was hurt when she hung up the phone in middle of talking, and instead I told my birth father. I did not know, and then I realized it was because I was worried about being rejected from her. Also, I felt she was uncaring about me anyway, and I hate her and think she is an awful human being for giving away her kids. She also only talks about shallow things and never seems to have feelings. He told me gently about birth mothers and how they are affected by their loss, and asked me if I ever read "The Women Who Went Away." I said no, and that she was different because she was adopted too, so I feel it made her have no sense of emotion whatsoever even for her children. He said it may be true, and that she sounded like a victim, after all that had happened to her. He said that my birth mother sounded like she had a cruel birth mother to force her to give away her kids. I agree. He offered for me to read his book about birth mother healing and I said I would.

I noticed a similar experience I had with my toddler daughter, that when she was annoying me I told my husband, she is making me sad. He told me, why don't you tell her how you feel? And it hadn't occured to me that I can tell her how I feel. I guess I am so used to hold back my feelings from someone to assure that they don't get hurt.

Joe Soll was very comforting, and I was very worried at first that I had nothing to say. But when I spoke, it made sense and he didn't get thrown off. I told him about my birth family a bit, to start off. Yes I am so used to being pushed down that I don't trust myself and sounded so meek. Even though he told me I am so bright, and I seem to have a lot of unused potential no offense meant. I knew.

You can't grow if you don't know who you are. When your mother leaves you as a baby, you feel unlovable in all of your bones and it hurts like hell. You never trust yourself. I cried and he told me it was okay to 😢. I felt like a dam had broke in me. He told me I need to do the affirmations every day, and read his book about healing. He still cares for his inner child, but he healed on his own without his birth parents and hurt as much as I did at my age.

He asked me if I truly believed babies could be unlovable, especially that I see my own daughter.. I said no. He told me to keep that in mind and tell myself every day. I told him that I knew that I loved her, but every day I walk around and feel like everyone else thinks I am not a mother... And I also feel like a fraud and more of a caregiver. He said Erik Erikson said that when a person does not know their parents and grandparents, they can not know whom they are and feel real.

I am working on allowing myself to feel my pain as reality. So many years of denying it made me feel unreal too. As I walk with my girl, I try to take in my deserving of this life and it's beauty. I am amazed at everything I see. But I have to remember my pain because it makes me angry and depressed at things going wrong and I can't cope like a normal person.